Break up with "permission". Just parent how you want.

A post to unpack and explore possibility.

Break up with “permission” and just parent how you want. 

It’s not news to me that many mothers are feeling unfulfilled, confused in their motherhood. Feeling like “Is this it?” and relying on coffee or a glass of red to “get through the day”. Groundhog day exists for us all, and finding the magic in the mundane is a skill that motherhood develops…

I see it often, 

The social media posts, within conversations with friends… the phrase “I give myself permission to…”

Give myself permission to receive, to enjoy, 

To change my mind, 

To have a self care day. 

This idea that we must “receive permission” before we can follow through with a desire is wild to me. 

Even if it’s internally given. 

I understand there are a general group of expectations from our society that have rough guidelines as to what we can and can’t do in some ways. 

Stories that have been told, and passed around as though they are a box of secrets and treasure. 

Though really, quite the opposite. 

Stories like -

“To be a good mum, you have to be self sacrificial” therefore it feels like there is this need to “give yourself permission” to NOT be self sacrificial. 

“To love your kids means to drop everything for them all the time and be 100% present 247” … therefore “Giving yourself permission” to work, to go for coffee with a friend, or to even put a movie on for the kids.

“I must stay certain and committed to one path otherwise people won’t trust me/take me seriously” …. Insert the need for permission to then change your mind, pivot etc, and if you can’t give it to yourself then you’ll seek it from partner/friends/parents/ community. (Ps if you take yourself seriously then people feel that eventually)

These are a few very simple examples but it still leads to the point of the idea that we have subscribed to a secret society of rules as to how we should mother, how we should woman, how we should exist and if we ever have (real and valid) desires to stand on our own two feet with our decision making and life choices, then we must receive the oh so holy permission from somewhere, someone or ourselves. 

Asking it from ourselves feels like a really weird concept to me because it implies that we have completely internalised the (fake) rules as our own and we are both our own captive and captor. That we both free ourselves and chain ourselves… depending on our mood? Depending on who we are surrounded by? Depending on what content we consume. 

Someone said to me once, they’d rather seek forgiveness than ask permission, 

And I liked that.
Do the thing, and then if It rubs someone the wrong way, seek compassionate conversations, understanding, unpacking of a situation. 

Rather than seeking permission. 

I mean, I get it - Most of us were raised in a generation where we could (in theory) be “Good” or “bad” kids. Well behaved or naughty. 

We likely found elements of safety from asking for something we wanted and getting a clear “Yes” or “No” because it created a cocoon of expectation around us. 

We knew what we could expect from our parents/those around us, and we knew what boundaries were to cross. 

Though

Of course it’s so multilayered to unpack, 

Our parents generation mostly needed well behaved kids. 

Wildness, loudness, unpredictability wasn’t encouraged, and social standing felt important. 

Of course they wanted their kids to *hopefully* grow up and be “Good” citizens and therefore somewhat fit in and not be outcast from a society. 

It’s a survival thing right? Fit in or get kicked out. 

Which leads us to this deeper desire to 

1. Ask permission (because ‘good’ people ask)

2. Respect the ‘No’ if the answer is no 

3. Be over considerate for everyone else needs in all your own plans and desires, (or you’re selfish aka not a ‘good’ person)

4. Expect boundaries from others (a deep craving of a yes or no so we know where we stand and then can use that as feedback as to if we are accepted and therefore safe)

5. The desire to only rock the boat a little, enough for us to have an illusion of subtle freedom but not enough for us to feel truly free. 

That number 5, probably has us all by the throat a little. And not in a kinky way. 

This feeling that we are making our own choices (as long as they still fit within the structure and walls of the society we are apart of)

But never fully feeling two feet in with our life, or even making space ourselves to intentionally and deeply question the reason we choose to do things. 

And make the space for possibly change of direction, of belief, of decisions.  Regardless of whether they keep us safe or create an element of metaphorical danger in our social circles. 

When it comes to parenthood, and obviously I speak primarily to motherhood… 

Usually we are thrown in the deep end fast, 

Without too much spaciousness to honestly consider how, what, why, we are the mothers that we think we are. And what experience of motherhood and experience of ourselves within motherhood is really important to our heart. 

Sometimes jumping straight to that question isn’t helpful, until we have had the opportunity to reflect and unpack what realm of motherhood we are currently existing in. 

It’s important to acknowledge the privilege of even being able to consider something different from your current reality, and that it takes a level of privilege to create change. 

• Considering your own mother and what she showed you about motherhood (Both pros and cons)

How did she show up within the home? Outside of the home? What reputation did she want for the family? 

How did she show love/ affection? How did she express frustrations etc? 

Did she express, suppress, numb? 

Did she go all in and remove herself from herself in order to mother? 

Did she maintain independence? Did you perceive her as happy? Fulfilled? 

• Considering the societal norms of where you live - what’s expected from you as a mother

Are mothers valued or forgotten? Is birth and pregnancy valued or treated as a sickness? 

Are post part mothers supported? Does a good mother take time for herself, or have to give herself over to her children? 

Is it expected to be disheveled with a mum bun for 3 weeks, coffee every morning and wild kids? 

Is it expected to be very put together and never express honestly how you feel about the changes of motherhood. 

Is there an expectation of independence for babies, or closeness? 

Is it ok to co sleep? Or is that irresponisble? Is it expected your kids go to a good school? 

Does that make you a better mother? Is it expected you go to work or stay home or both? 

Is it normal to complain or to be absolutely fine?

• The general expectations from a partner

How are household tasks split? *Take note of your own parents and your partners parents for clues of expectations*. 

Is there an expectation of intimacy, how often? If it’s not fulfilled is there a sense of failure? Is intimacy only physical? Or emotional? 

• The expectations as a woman (in the social class you’re in)

Can you ask questions? Make your own mind up? Decide something different from your family line and still feel safe? Are you expected to only feel safe if you abide by expectations or do you feel ok to cultivate the feeling of safety yourself regardless? Are you expected to love motherhood? Desire it? Love work? Desire to make money? A woman, of your situation (Class, education, privilege, race, age etc) is expected to be/do/have XYZ

There are so many more but just some to ponder

Once you can sit with the current reality of those questions and be honest (rather than perhaps what you want the answers to be moving forward)

Then you can get an idea as to the frameworks and structures you may be unconsciously (or consciously) living within, rubbing up against, but rarely breaking down to see what’s beyond. 

Unless you do it gently, 

Right?

Unless you request permission or give permission to yourself to nudge the walls of our own enclosure. 

And before I go on, it’s important to suggest that some of these rules and expectations can be good and some do and have served the lives we live. Of course. 

Some of the expectations of society actually go hand in hand with what we want anyway. 

But often, many don’t. 

And it’s truly upto us to redirect the trajectory of the life we live. 

I feel like for me - by nature, since very early on, I’ve rarely asked permission (even though it was expected that I do), and instead I would simply decide “this is what I want to do” and I’d just do it. 

I’ve absolutely been outcast due to it, I’ve had to deal head on with natural consequences of some of my choices, I’ve upset family and friends, but overall I have developed courage to choose my way. 

Though in saying that, I still have my own walls to the cage. All of our thresholds are different, and what feels like my own edge may be unfathomable to some, though a piece of cake to another. 

Which is why it’s important to stay in our own experience with this sort of thing. 

Some big topics I have thought a lot about - long before becoming a mama but especially now that I am one,

• Education

Both my parents are incredible, out of the box primary school teachers. Both extremely creative and innovative and have done their best to create change within the mainstream system. They have won awards, and been highly regarded and sought after.

There is, however only so much change that can be made before they chose to resign from a system that isn’t ready for change. 

They left due to mandates in 2021, though growing up I spent a lot of hours of my life before and after school in empty classrooms. I’ve had countless conversations around child development and education with them. 

They also attempted old school homeschooling with us while they packed us up in a 31ft motorhome (all 9 of us) and traveled the states and Canada for 6 months. 

They held a huge value on alternative learning outside the school system in the form of team sports, after school activities, workshops, seminars, summer camps and of course life learning and using everyday life as points of in depth family discussion. 

I remember at one stage, once a week we would have a family meeting and my dad would help us each set an age appropriate challenge for something that scared us to do. 

That week we would have to fulfil the challenge and report back. 

It was such a simple and fun way to stretch our own comfort, develop confidence and create a sense of being proud of ourselves. If we forfeited our challenge that was a beautiful learning also and discussion points. 

When I was pregnant with Rafi, though there was an element of nostalgia at the thought of him being 7 and having a big old backpack, riding his bike to school. Or the thought of me having 5ish hours of the day kid free while someone educated him… 

There was also a clear no in my body. 

A NO for mainstream education (For me, my values and our family - No judgement to anyone honestly. We all make our choices for reasons. (Or sometimes autopilot hence this publication haha)

And a KNOWING for homeschool, unschool, life school, community based education. 

I dived into what that could possibly look like for our family, and I guess it felt simple. 

Just continue life together, learn about each other, and natural interests. Our-source topics to private educators who are able to explore the things I can’t. 

Swap topics and education with other parents in the community, for diversity and for children to learn from other adults. 

Create and attend community groups often for social skills and real life learning and team building and of course, fun. 

Possibly attend alternative schools for periods of time around the world when traveling. 

Experience diversity, culture, watch documentaries, read books, have discussions. 

That felt easy. 

It also felt hard. It also feels overwhelming sometimes. But it feels wholesome and fun and something I’m also willing to learn. 

Some family would expect he goes to school. 

Some may assume it’s reckless or irresponsible. What if he wants to go to uni? Etc

Some think its a “I could never do that but good on you” type thing. 

I simply think it’s our path of least resistance from the heart, though of course requires collecting skills and a network of people who can support and contribute. 

This is an example of seek forgiveness not permission. 

We made the decision first. Ourselves. After private conversations, research, getting into unschooling groups, being connected to others doing it and thriving. 

We didn’t discuss the decision in it’s infancy with people who may not understand it. 

We made the choice. Two feet in, with confidence. 

And then, for those who don’t agree, we are open for discussion and exploration of viewpoints. To navigate the conversations that may arise. 

Not the other way around.

It’s what we did for childhood vax. 

We made our decision

THEN navigated challenging conversations. 

It’s in how we raise a baby 

(We personally chose to co sleep, breastfeed on demand, and full term breastfeeding, do a attachment style of parenting as it suited Rafs personality and our circumstances allowed it)

THEN navigated conversations around it. 

We CHOOSE. 

And most choices we have made are well thought and felt through and aren’t up for debate, though always open for healthy discussions. 

This reflects in the way Tul and I navigate parenthood together also. 

I never feel the need to “give myself permission” to take some time away from Rafi. 

Instead, I EXPECT that to have a thriving family, I will inevitably have time away from him. Guilt free. 

To write, to have coffee with a friend, etc. 

And Tully never “gives me” permission to do that. He Expects me to, because our intention is family synergy and thriving. 

I don’t “give myself” permission to change my mind, to challenge my internalised structures I live within, to explore new options often. 

I expect that of myself. 

I want that for myself. 

I’m not “allowed” to, I just do it because it’s part of me.  

Though of course in the past there have been times I have felt the need to receive permission, especially in my late teens early 20’s, when I was “out” in society and was constantly up against feedback from the outside world. 

Though quickly realised the outside world doesn’t raise my babies, doesn’t sleep in my bed at night, doesn’t feel my heart, doesn’t live in my body and have to feel what I do every day. 

So I may as well make choices that align with my values (once my values were checked from conditioned values to genuine values).

My main point I wanted to talk about today, 

Was firstly, that I don’t want to “give you permission” to consider your life, and motherhood and parenting. 

But that sometimes it’s really amazing to know that there are other options out there, that are possibly available to you or will be one day, and that if you want them, you can have them, regardless of if they check the boxes of expectations from self or others. Sometimes more freedom, ease and harmony are available right now just beyond the invisible walls and rules we have for ourselves. 

So here are some statements I want to make, incase they aren’t in your realm of thought and possibility right now, and that there is always a way to make it happen if you feel like it’s for you.

Some of these may be unpopular opinions but this is my substack and what you’re here for haha.

1. You can choose the education for your children. You can send them to mainstream school if you want. You can also choose not to and both are very valid decisions. 

2. You don’t have to live in one suburb while raising your children for the sake of “childhood friends, stability and schooling”. Children are wildly adaptable and so are you. 

3. You can travel with children with relative ease. Of course it’s different to traveling solo *dreams of a quiet stroll through Positano sipping coffee, sigh* BUT it’s absolutely possible to be a traveling family and world school your kids, for a season or for a lifetime

4. You don’t need to commit to one career your whole life. You can pivot, learn new skills, shed old identities and start something new at any point to create pathways for new opportunities. 

5. You can redirect the ways you choose to parent, and the philosophy you live by at ANY MOMENT. You can stand two feet in any parenting choice with confidence and be a beacon for your family. 

6. As the mother, you are the hum of the home. You are the hearth and you can and should live as though your thriving is what the entire family regulate from. Look after yourself and ask to be looked after. Motherhood can be vulnerable work and requires support. 

7. You don’t need to jab your kids if you don’t want to. Learn about liability. Learn about the history of the companies and owners. Learn about each individual jab as they are not all the same. If you choose to go ahead because it is honestly what feels right, good on you. But “childhood needles” and putting your head in the sand is not an informed choice IMO. 

8. You don’t need to keep the same friends forever. Your environment is an important part of shaping who you are. It’s safe to be picky. 

9. Slow down when you need to. Or simply when you want to. Society will tell you there’s always more. You choose where your own line of fulfilment lives and it doesn’t have to be in the nice car, boogie house. 

10. You can parent ANY way you wish. There are literally billions of different experiences of motherhood, you can literally craft it from scratch and make changes that suit you. Parenthood for someone else doesn’t have to be your experience or what’s expected from you as a mother. Though comfort can lie in following along, freedom comes from deciding yourself. 

11. You can reconsider the societal expectations of what foods our children eat and what they need to be healthy. Perfection of course doesn’t exist, though it’s not always common knowledge that high histamines, for example can contribute to behaviours, sleep etc. Health is also beyond physical nutrients. There are nutrients in play, joy, connectedness, nature…

12. Your people exist. They are around and you will find them as you develop more confidence in who you are and what you want. There are honestly billions of realms of reality coexisting all the time. OF COURSE there are people just like you. And yes, diversity of opinion is helpful and important BUT it’s also great to want to have people you feel you can be connected and relate to. They are here. So if you fear stepping out of one way of life, incase you won’t be caught, trust you will be. It’s natural for a limbo period. To feel like you have one foot in two worlds, but with the shift of identity into another comes a whole new reality to experience. Alongside friendships, community and connection. One mantra I tell myself often… “Courage is rewarded (repeat)”

13. Trust yourself to make choices for you and your family. 

So, To finalise,  

Firstly, I rarely read through what I write. Mainly cause I don’t have a lot of Time right now haha, but also I prefer it to just come out. 

I may change my mind on topics above, but right now I’m two feet in with confidence.

Secondly, when you’re ready, stop the permission giving… or permission seeking. 

Start deciding, and leaning into choices for yourself. 

Unpack internalised rules and constructs that have you feel stuck within motherhood, 

And feel into new and unique ways that you can call in more harmony. 

Two feet on the ground, big breath into your heart, solar plexus and womb…

There is no rulebook. 

It’s all made up. 

Not by one person, but by all of us together. We unconsciously hold each other accountable and uphold these constructs. 

We mature and change, as does our lives and family and values. 

You do not have to subscribe to the expectations of you, and you can seperate yourself from the expectations you’ve adopted as your own.

I would LOVE to hear more of a discussion on this and what’s come up for you while reading xx

You’re welcome to share this with those you may fell benefit.

Love Kat.