The biohack for success you don't know about yet.

On self sabotage, outshining others and why we stay small

Friends, hello.

It’s been a slower start to the year for me, and though it’s summer here and there’s plenty going on, I appreciate taking time to feel into the energetics of the year ahead… Listen to the whispers rather than overriding them with bold goals and ambitions.

I was struggling to feel clear, and through various visioning sessions and in depth conversations with Tully, It felt like we were having the same conversation over and over, and not feeling any differently towards what we wanted to experience this year.

Earlier last week we packed our 3.5 year old Rafi and his 4 month old little brother, Ren, into the car and drove a few hours inland up into the mountains to stay on a friends property.
There were four families, which resulted in eight adults, 4 big toddlers, one little toddler and two newborn babies, in one four bedroom house and stunning views.

I feel as though there could be a whole post on the power of creating micro-pockets of connection, co-living and recreating the village with aligned families. What it can do for the nervous system, for conversation, for ideas, creativity, and resetting energy.

But instead I want to start 2024 off with a free letter for you all.

One where we explore the idea of wanting to grow and expand into our wildest dreams…. but we equally don’t want to leave everyone else behind.

Plus why the sabotage that comes from needing to stay connected - is the very thing stopping you from morphing into who you’re here to be… In relationship, financially, in your creative dreams, or parenting values…

(and what you can do about it, aka the bio hack for success most people don’t yet know).

We lay there on the bed. By “we”, I mean myself and three girlfriends. The kids are in the back tray of the ute…. though for non Australians that means pick up truck…

They are with ‘the daddies”, a collective name for the other half of the responsible adults when it comes to the kids while we are all co-living.

We wave at them out the window while we (The mamas) lay in each others lap offering Bluem Serum face massages and having deeper conversations around what we can vision for ourselves.

I firstly, can’t express how powerful it is to simply have conversations about your dreams with those close to you, and have them truly believe it for you, celebrate you and want to hold you to that vision.

It’s also incredibly vulnerable.

The themes of the conversations we were having were about ideas we wanted to be birthing into the world - in true mother maker style.

We had chatted about energetic business, intuition lead creating, visions, possibilities, travel etc over the days.

One thing was clear, we each had a desire to create. A desire to contribute financially to our families, the desire to do this without sacrificing values of quality time with the kids, or outsourcing parenting, or having relationship drop to the back burner of our lives, or subscribing to the hustle culture. Aka, to do it with heart. There was also the common ground of wanting to create so that our partners could breathe deeper. To create space for our men to be able to pivot when they need to also, rather than constantly on the financial grind themselves with no space to reassess. The idea of creating as family units, rather than everything always being split into roles.

Obviously all of this with the intention that each family is able to honour their curiosities, joy, and care for their families financially without anyone needing to sacrifice values, and therefore grow as people.

Each of us are at a different point in that journey.

Some already having established businesses but wanting to pivot, others wanting to grow whats already been created and lean into momentum, some wanting to fadeout of the 9-5 trade of time for money and explore what leveraged income could look like to experience more freedom, some wanting to start a business from scratch to embrace creativity.

Here is what is clear to me, based on these conversations -

and I’d love to share with you.

Our nervous systems are wired into our own version of normal and familiar. EVEN IF what is normal to us, is stressful, chaotic, and not that appealing.

Financial stress.

Relationship conflict.

Feeling unwell/ tired/ fatigued.

Feeling lost/ uninspired.

All of this *Can* be a very normal and familiar experience for our nervous systems.

Because of that, we naturally feel drawn to more experiences, opportunities, and people who match the familiarity we are used to.

You may notice - **Most** of the people you spend time with are *Likely* experiencing the same struggles, have a similar income, or overall feel generally similar you you.

We find ourselves comfortable in communities who we can relate to.

We find home in people who can mirror our own vulnerabilities because it feels safer to be ourselves.

Or what we think is ourselves.

Often these same communities can reflect to us the parts of ourselves we love too.

Perhaps they are still dreamers, or have similar parenting values, or the same sense of humour.

Regardless, there’s relatability.

That relatability has you feeling connected.

and connection is - a human need.

However,

When we want to experience something new for ourselves -

For example, a different level of financial wellbeing,

or to succeed in a new business,

or parent in a new way more aligned with our values,

feel more creative

perhaps live somewhere new,

or even be in an environment where there is less gossip and more expansive conversation…

No matter how clearly we want that for ourselves,

if it threatens our ability to feel connected, we often sabotage consciously or unconsciously.

This appears in relationship dynamics intimately- where one partner “Plays small” because they are fearful of a “gap” within a marriage or partnership.

It shows up when we want to live with values that may feel different to the ones we were raised by, and we feel fearful of disconnecting from our family of origin (Parents/ siblings/ extended family etc).

It may look like saying in a line of work because we are loyal to coworkers, or feel as though we’ve put too much effort in to pivot now (Scared to disconnect from an identity we have worked towards for so long.)

It looks like talking shit about your partner to your gf’s all the time because that’s just “What you do”.

It could look like abandoning your dreams…. or even perhaps talking about them but never taking much action towards them, because it may mean there is distance that grows between friendships.

It could even look like spending money like others, making money like others, dressing like others, talking like others, relating to our partners like others, discussing the same topics as others, and overall staying very committed to identities we have created for ourselves - because at a core level we’d rather feel connected and accepted by others rather than making people wildly uncomfortable with our own success and unwavering focus on a life of inner freedom.

We don’t want to hear the whispers of “Money changed you”.

Or appear as though we don’t care about the things we used to care about.

We don’t want to be ruthless in our personal boundaries at the risk of offending someone who lacks their own boundaries.

We don’t want people to think,

that WE are perceived to think,

that we are better than anyone else.

Essentially, people who are connected to their heart and have cultivated an identity around being a generous, kind, connected person… are terrified outshine others, appear as selfish, or leave anyone behind.

Therefore they sacrifice themselves and their dreams in macro or micro ways over and over, and can pat themselves on the back for it.

For remaining humble.

Remaining grounded.

Remaining relatable.

Pretending they haven’t “Lost themselves”, when the very construct of themselves has been crafted and created in the first place.

Is anyone nodding along to this?

Here’s the bio-hack for success you don’t know about yet.

Collectively level up as a community. Co-work towards individual dreams with the people you love.

It’s also not always easy.

Firstly, some people are very happy wherever they are. Their journey is not to move from what they’ve created. Perhaps that serves them, perhaps it doesn’t.

Some people, want to grow and change, but are feeling equally as trapped as you are. They may not even know it, but they are trying to stay connected with you by playing small themselves.

These are the people to link arms with.

When we can create a culture where there is no comparison, dreams are shared vulnerably, and everyone can rally together to hold the highest vision for each other, keep each other accountable to grow - magic happens.

When you can tell a friend (Or partner)

“Hey, It’s safe for you to thrive, I’m not going any anywhere. I wont abandon you on your journey to your dreams, I understand you, and I’m on my path there too”

It seeds the air with energetic permission that we all crave.

“Hey, You want to grow financially? Let’s lean together, let’s hold each other to this higher vision together”.

“Hey, you want to figure out how to be location independent, so you can travel with your family? I see that for you, I want that too, let’s figure out ways to make this happen over the next 12 months”

“I don’t want to sabotage myself anymore. Oh, you don’t want to sabotage anymore too? Great, Let’s learn about it and level up together”.

These are important conversations to have within friendships (and relationships).

Though sometimes uncomfortable, when we can hold confidently the expectation for vulnerable conversations and hold the expectation of self awareness, trust that the right people will rise to the occasion. They will rise when they feel safe to.

When we see our friends as powerful creative, inspiring people (Who have some stuff to work on), rather than seeing them as wounded (but with potential) - They begin to see themselves as powerful creators too. There’s less shame around the stuff we all need to work on, and then, we can get onto it together with less masking. We stop expecting everyone to be perfect and instead encourage truth. More energy goes into connecting to the heart and possibilities rather than constantly trying to appear put together.

What these conversations do - is create safety for everyone involved. It’s reassuring to hear that you can go for your wildest dreams and be loved for it - even if you change. Even if you fail. Even if you shine brighter than you ever have before.

The next step is to understand what’s going on for each other, what is “Normal in the nervous system”, what is NOT serving ourselves or one another, but feels familiar.

What is the intention? What is the vision?

Here’s a real life example.

When I was young, I would spend a lot of time with a co-worker and I found that we would gossip a lot together. This isn’t how I wanted to spend my time, but I found myself abandoning my values because I liked feeling connected to her, and I assumed this was how she felt connected.

My nervous system felt connected through drama.

The payoff is that we would laugh together, feel connected, and like we were bonding.

The downside is that I’d feel like I was abandoning myself every time.

I questioned if it was a sign to exit the friendship… Or, if it was a sign that I could invite the friendship somewhere new.

I figured that I’d try and see what would happen.

One day I gently said something along these lines to her:

“Hey, I know we normally gossip a bit, and though sometimes it feels fun, I have actually decided for myself that I don’t want to talk about other people anymore. I’d rather speak about dreams or what I want to create. It feels more expansive. I won’t judge you if you want to keep doing that, we are our own people, but if you want to, we could do a “Stop gossiping” challenge together and keep each other accountable to more inspiring conversations. If not that’s fine, I just wanted to let you know incase you noticed me walking away from those sorts of conversations - it’s not personal, I love you - It’s just something I’m wanting to do for myself”.

To my surprise, she agreed, and said it wasn’t making hers feel good either, and together we entered a new phase of relationship where we felt inspired and expansive together rather than connected through small conversation.

It was liberating to know that a lot of the time, those around us are just waiting for a gentle invitation into something new, but perhaps don’t have the foresight to see that or initiate it themselves.

Naturally, had she kept gossiping we likely would have drifted apart as friends and co-workers, and I trust that process. However it felt amazing to hold my own in my values and invite someone I appreciated INTO it with me, by my side, like teammates.

On the weekend while I was away with friends, the conversation around money came up, and had themes on how doing very soul led work with the core value of contribution, had us feeling more distant to financial wellbeing. Of course these are made up ideas around wealth, money and being a good person, and of course you can be a good person and have a lot of money… though this idea that money changes you - has many people playing small at risk of being changed.

Simply inviting a flavour of conversation “Hey, we all know these are just beliefs, and they don’t have to be our reality, and more money in the hands of good hearted people is only a good thing in this current world, so YES, please, LET money change you into an even BETTER person. Us too. We can all do it together. Let’s hold the highest vision for each other and ourselves. I WANT you to feel financially abundant, and you, and you, and myself. Let’s circle up together, as a community”.

aka

Let’s create safety for each other to evolve and change. In fact, let’s expect it from each other. Let’s face off with vulnerabilities and the chains that we grip to tightly as if they are a life raft, and instead liberate ourselves with the support of those around us.

It’s safe for me to change.

It’s safe for you to change.

It’s safe for me to have boundaries. I love that you can respect them.

It’s safe for you to have boundaries, thank you for holding them.

You don’t have to be scared of feeling disconnected within the community, because we each want thriving for each other, from a genuine place.

I want to see you create an entire new reality for yourself, and I want to be celebrating you in it. Just like I want to create an entire new reality for myself and would love to be celebrated in it too.

I support you, I value what you do, who you want to be, THANK YOU for going for it!

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Now here’s the thing - I HOPE your community, partner, friendships, family - are receptive to this sort of change.

It’s the one thing that truly holds people back for a lifetime.

I remember a huge shift when I jumped into the world of entrepreneurship and self employment. At the time many people I knew were going to university, studying, or traveling. There was a lack of understanding from others, even to the point of bullying. Though I have to admit, I was judging their decisions too, and had I created safety for them to follow their dreams, perhaps I would have received more safety in my own.

The ONLY reason I was successful in that jump was because I jumped into a community who could hold me in my thriving (Think, group mentorships/ programs etc so there are people who can guide, help, celebrate, see you for your gifts and highest potential when the outside world may not.)

I made the mistake plenty of times, cutting people off who I didn’t think supported me.

I since learned it’s okay to have people who don’t fulfil the role of holding your visions alongside you.

BUT it’s crucial to ALSO have people who do.

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I’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, the fear of outshining others, and how you move with it in your own life?

It’s a powerful reflection for us all when it comes to our own communities.

Am I creating safety for others around me to thrive?

What are some ways we could circle up and level up together?

How can I nourish my own nervous system as I begin to experience something new? How can I create my OWN safety too.

Love Kat

PS. This year I’ll be hosting MONTHLY workshops for the creatives here.

You are more than welcome, and if you don’t have supportive community, I urge you to use this space to act as a co-holder in your dreams.

I’ll release the itinerary soon, though the FIRST workshop is a collaborative workshop with

Claire Venus

and it’s FREE simply because it’s the first one and we want to kick off this year with some generosity and high vibes for everyone, so though this isn’t under the “Mother Maker” brand, you’re all invited.

This month’s call is “WHY SOCIAL MEDIA RULES DON’T APPLY”

This conversation is aimed at those on substack who are playing as if substack is anything like instagram or other platforms.

Perhaps you want to invite audiences over from other platforms in a genuine way and are unsure how.

Perhaps you want to keep your relationship to this platform clear.

Or you want to “Check yourself” when it comes to social media.

The call is in a WEEK! On the 17th of January (In the morning in the UK, in the evening in East Coast Aus time)

You can sign up to the waitlist to be notified and sent details of the Live call here.

I encourage you to get on live if you like watching video and asking questions! As the Video recording will be released to paying Subscribers within 24 hrs, then only as audio podcast/ NO video to everyone a couple weeks later.

Moving forward, workshops will NOT be substack specific and really lend themselves to all creative avenues and be in service to all mother makers. I will say though, there will likely be aspects of this that are relevant and useful no matter what platform you play on.

This was always intended to be a collaboration with Claire, who is a Substack expert.

Have a beautiful rest of your day friends!