Today it's like my mind is in blurry haze

So let's go for a Life Update - On Art projects, Baby talk, Subs & home.

Today my mind is feeling frazzled, like it’s shooting in a million directions.

*But before we begin I 10/10 recommend downloading the Substack app because it’s a waaayyy more user friendly experience rather than reading these in your emails. Using the app feels like you’re walking into a library, connecting with your favourite writers, sitting in a big old slightly musky leather chair with a chai and just reading. Emails feels a bit too “worky”. So if you have a moment to jump off and then pop onto the app, I think you’ll enjoy this more *

••• I intentionally didn’t drink coffee today,

and I’d love to be heroic and tell you it’s because I am better than coffee.

But really it’s because I celebrated a good friends hens last night and instead of drinking alcohol, we had coffee & damiana at 6pm (tell me you’re a mum without telling me you’re a mum) and though that was great… come midnight I had regrets, and I was up for the rest of the early hours of the morning with Raf who’s been running a high fever on and off for a few days and literally cannot stop snoring. Though didn’t hesitate to be up and ready for play at 5am.

He’s got these little tinctures (essentially charged water) that he calls his “potions” and if he’s feeling unwell he gets to choose one to hold. Which he does. He also sleeps with them. I may attach a photo, But the placebo works wonders and though possibly developing a thorough attachment to them I sorta wish the potion placebo worked on me and my energy today cause it’s really been a day.

Normally if it’s been a day, that’s when I am least likely to write. I’ve actually tried to write something today 3 times already, all resulting in a backspaced blank page once again…. But a bit more of a “life update” seems more fitting and natural tonight…

BIG MOMENT (literally 10 min ago) I just cuddled Rafi to sleep (without any boob because his blocked nose won’t allow it) And with no fuss, (and a potion in each hand) he went down in 5 minutes as the little spoon (for the second time today).

I’m gobsmacked really, 2.5 years of boob on tap And I barely know what it’s like to do a 5 minute bedtime?? And the way he asked…. “Cuddle me mama! Blanket on! “ Just melts me. So look, I don’t know if this is a forever thing… And though Tully and I have been speaking on trying weaning again (third time lucky), I sort of wanted to a little ceremony for Raf and I and talk about it together and make a little fire etc… which of course we can still do… but in short I wasn’t mentally (or emotionally) prepared to be simply cuddling him to sleep today. I don’t know if I thought he had it in him to be honest, such a boob obsessed babe and though I know most mums probably say that - we are all likely accurate!

In even more honesty… I don’t know if I have it in me. Am I ready? To not be on tap? To be needed less? Trading breastmilk for cuddles, An hour bedtime traded for 20% more energy to myself in the evenings…. I think so. Consciously.

But my heart cracks just a little. Like I’m having to go into my womb and toss out another few meters of the silver red thread so that he can exist just a little further away. Such is motherhood.

Couple of things I’d like to briefly chat about-

* Art/ what I’m in the works with currently

* Baby talk

* Pondering the subscription status and would love feedback

* Home/ here on the east coast & the west coast and how we are feeling right now.

Raf in the garden with Tully. This is 6 am every morning at the moment

ART••

So most of you would likely know that I’ve been putting together a collection of poetry, small insights and little stories on my passage from maiden to mother, inspired by my first year of motherhood and those around me. It’s become a book, and I had a wonderful artist Vero Coya design/channel some symbols for the book.

But right now it’s kinda just sitting there. I keep thinking I want to add to it, and maybe I will soon, though I feel a bit split. Part of me wants it to simply be a time stamp of my writings in my most early days of mothering. Giving myself grace to have changed even since then and trust it will be medicine for those who need it.

The other part of me wants to burn it… and there’s I guess a niggle of wanting to wait until I have another babe and all my writings from my first year with #2 be added, so that I have more than one experience to pull from. Happy to have feedback for that.

Initially it was really just for me. I told Tully I would be happy if nobody ever saw it hahaha though over time I’ve grown into the idea of sharing art more and more.

On a similar topic- I have actually just been in contact this week with a sustainable letter press company (pretty sure it’s a one woman show) who can (BY FOOT PEDAL with an old school manual machine) turn my poetry into A3 or A4 letter press prints to have as art in the home/ office/ nursery/ alter/ gifting a mother etc I’m BEYOND excited for this. When she replied to my email I squealed and jumped up onto Tully and danced around the house. I would feel soooo proud and elated to have my words up in peoples homes visually BUT then I got wild stage fright as to which poetry to choose first (each poetry needs a minimum print order of 50copies per size. So I’m rolling with 2 sizes and 2 letter press prints so far…) When I’ve decided which two, or if I’ll write a new one… I’ll let you know and I’d also really love feedback with this. Is there any of my writing/ spoken word/ reels/ topics I’ve spoken/written on that have really moved you in some way to the point where you’d have it in your home or gift it to a friend?

I would be so excited to get the ball on this moving over the next week or two so let me know if it’s your type of thing.

BABY TALK •• SUBSCRIPTIONS

These two go hand in hand for me at the moment. You guys KNOW I’m such an open book when it comes to (basically everything), and I’m soooo loving this medium of Substack to share longform and to basically just exist without censorship…. And there are some things I also want to talk about in more depth moving forward.

For example though I won’t dive into this right now- a recent early miscarriage I’ve experienced and would like to speak on and share about in more depth, And moving forward into a future pregnancy and the inner aspects of that entire unraveling again.

These sorts of conversations are close to my heart and I guess I’m craving a slightly less open forum for such. Basically I’d like to know that someone who has little to no emotional connection to me can’t simply click and read. So I’m pondering introducing an optional paid subscription here so that a little nest of community can be created for those sorts of conversations. I have whispers in my head about charging for anything these days which feels so weird for me - as I’ve had such a healthy relationship with income that for so long, maybe it’s some motherhood whiplash or maybe I could stop blaming everything on motherhood haha

But really, For me that feels safe and nourishing to know that those reading the deeper layers have exchanged time, energy, resources and really truly want to be in the room for those chats. I would still keep the majority of my publications here for free, And have an “inner circle” for lack of a better word, of paid subscribers (I’m literally thinking equivalent to 2 coffees a month here) Feels like I’d have a more intimate team to bounce around ideas for prints/poetry/ writings with and to be able to share my next mother to mother journey with in more depth and reverence. I’d also consider launching prints/ book to the paid subs in advance.

The subscription option hasn’t been changed yet but you may notice it with my next publication or so.

HOME ••

This was the topic I was originally writing about this morning,

We officially left Western Australia and moved to Queensland just over 10 months ago now. 

When I arrive in a new place I really like to get to know it, intimately. 

Back in my instagram days (lol last week) I’d bring “paranoid girlfriend” skill level stalking but to find local businesses and happenings along the coast. I found the little bush school/ nature play that I take Rafi to, I have found stunning walk trails, hidden cafes, tiny country towns, bodyworkers, and magical people/ mamas + so much more through the movement of my thumbs, and allowing my curiosity to take me down every rabbit hole that

It’s usually the first thing I do, to “breathe in” a place. Plant myself as a seed within a community. 

I’ll say “Tully, grab Rafi, get in the car, we are going for a drive”. And we drive. I want to pass beautiful homes, and see people watering their garden, and mums getting their morning coffee at their local. I like to feel like I know a place, because I don’t want to feel like a stranger in a place. I want to feel like a friend witnessing a beautiful reveal. 

We’ve explored - I’d say, a significant amount of the coast in a short 10 months. Especially if you take the first two months out due to barely leaving the house due to the flooding season & an infected tooth which had me on heavy painkillers, many trips to a holistic dentist, and up all night for almost a month. 

I’m often amazed actually at how I can meet someone who has lived here on the coast for years and they’ve never explored more than 20 minutes inland. Never been to the creeks, or visited the little hidden towns with secret bookshops and make the best chai, or tried the best scones on the entire coast up in the mountains in a little french style cafe.

I need to know the forrest, the mountains, and the ocean, I need to go south and north and east and west and feel it all,  I guess in some ways, allow myself to ground. 

I’d be somewhat confident to be a tour guide for the Sunshine Coast for anyone crunchy I think haha. That may well be my social media comeback, anonymously blogging hidden gems for crunchy mums on the Sunshine Coast haha. 

We’ve been here 10 months and to be honest it took longer than I expected to begin feeling like home. 

In moments I’ve been flooded with a nostalgia, and a beauty that brings me to tears. Smells of bali, the warm air like the islands I grew up on. The tropics mixed with still having a fireplace in winter. I’m into it. 

But there’s also moments where I miss the Western Australian Bush. The empty beaches, the clear calm bays of Dunsborough and the many breathtaking moments of Yallingup watching sunsets over the ocean after a day in the sun. 

We spent 5ish years in the Margaret River Region. I moved down there from the city, after suffering some pretty intense anxiety. I knew I needed to leave the busy traffic, and so many people. 

(I had grown up on the islands and in a small country town, where it’s just normal to know everyone. Tul was in the city, and I had moved there once my family had moved back to the islands.)

We initially just went down to Margaret River for a quick weekend getaway. 

Kaartdijin Noongar (Margaret River) , is a small surf town, though it’s not right on the beach. Theres an atmosphere there, the smell of eucalyptus and peppermint trees, and there’s salt in the air. You’ve got a stunning big forest down the road, and some of the worlds best surf (coming from someone who doesn’t surf). Theres a culture of small town community, though it’s expanding quickly. There are great bars, cafe’s, things to do and see and it has a strong underworld of holistic practitioners, conscious community, and also a few amazing home birth midwives. 

Almost 6 years ago now, I needed to breathe. We stayed in a friends little studio while they were away and after we made love I told Tully that I needed to move down, and I needed to do it whether he wanted to come or not (about 3 hours from the city south). He was established in his physio career at the time, in a home he loved and in a lifestyle he loved. We were still fresh into our relationship. 

I told him that If I were offered a nannying job in exchange for accomodation, especially if it were like the gorgeous little studio we were staying in, then I would move asap. 

Talk about sex magic…. Within half an hour the owner of the studio/property we were staying on got home and came to say hi and asked if we knew anyone who would nanny for her in exchange for *the exact studio we were staying in*. 

My jaw hit the ground. I moved down 2 weeks later, and Tully followed a few months after that.
We spent 9 months in that little studio, our first time living together and I promise you it was like a pressure cooker. Super intense haha. 

We then moved into a share house, then a beach shack, which I hated and that prompted a miracle move to my dream bush shack which is where we conceived Raf. Another move to the home we birthed him in, and another move just up the road before we got into our 16ft caravan and headed further down the coast for a few months. 

We explored the south west well.  We knew the towns,  knew the local businesses and really felt apart of the community. We made Rafi there, We birthed him there, we were held by the village in our early days (and beyond) as new parents. 

It felt like home. So much so, always holding a key to my heart. But we needed a change.

So after 2ish months of caravan life, losing 90k overnight and 6 weeks staying with Tuls mum on her property, with one conversation, we had everything go into storage and we were on a plane 2 weeks later to the Sunny coast.

At the time it felt like a huge decision, Due to mandates and boarder closures, we were one of the ones who wouldn’t be “allowed” back into Western Australia should we leave. That meant voluntarily leaving and not knowing when we would see our parents, my little siblings (4/6 that are taller than me now), or our beautiful friends again.

It felt scary, and also liberating.

Now, 10 months on I can really feel the potential for the Sunshine Coast for us.

It’s definitely different to what I had imagined it to be in some ways, and it’s a big change to little old Margaret River.

The land is different, the atmosphere, all of it.

It’s an adjustment moving away from an established community and family life.

We have met many beautiful people here and I feel like we are beginning to have roots grow which feels delicious.

We are about to head back to Western Aus for the first time since leaving.

I’m extremely eager to see those we love, and head straight to get my favourite chai and have Rafi ride his scooter in all the places he used to just waddle.

And I’m very curious to experience the contrast. To see how my body feels.

I’m curious to see if WA still feels like home, or if its just the memories I now hold and cherish there.

I’m curious to see if we miss our new home, and crave to come back.

I know many of you who are tuning in have moved over the last couple of years. Did you ever return back to where you came from? How did it all feel?

Anyway I’m pretty sure thats a 30minute read from me tonight haha.

Heres a little photo of Margaret river WA (top) and Kenilworth QLD (below)

Thanks for playing and chat soon xxx

Kat