I didn't associate myself as a guilt ridden person....

On Guilt, and non fluffy manifestations, and the subtle life.

Heres the tea, 

I didn’t associate myself as some guilt ridden person.

I really didn’t. For the most part, I feel like I have a balanced and mostly nourishing relationship with myself. 

But here I am, 

Day 2 of no social media - Which, by the way, I’ve done plenty of times before unintentionally…. I think the max was 5 weeks offline…

But this time it feels different.

I’ll assume intention has something to do with it. 

I want to talk about firstly, what feels like a slow and overdue awakening OF my body. 

Secondly, manifestation, but not the fluffy kind. 

The FIRST morning I woke up with instagram off my phone, I felt excited. 

Anticipating what it would feel like to be on holiday in my own life. 

Now I KNOWWW social media really isn’t a big deal for many of you, 

And, In my experience it’s been a hugely integrated part of my life. 

An Extension of self in so many ways, and I designed my experience to be just that.
I never wanted social media to feel seperate from me. I wanted it to weave naturally in and out of my days like a friend. 

And for the most part it did. 

But the thing with having something like this feel as an extension of self… is that it becomes very personal very quickly. 

Too personal. Sticky. Like gum to the bottom of my foot as I awkwardly drag it along the grass trying to get it off.

All of a sudden I don’t know where I am, and where the social media is. 

I don’t feel lost but I sure as shit don’t feel clear and liberated.
It’s just this coasting middle ground. 

Connected, enough

Inspired, enough

In my life, enough. 

Enough to tick boxes for my wellbeing, but not enough to have me feel actual thriving on a day to day, consistent basis. 

Hence why I need the reset. 

Do you guys realise how good it feels right now to just write, and type as though I’m speaking to you, without changing words and deleting sentences so that it fits neatly into a caption. 

*sigh*. 

So good. 

Back to the first morning… I’m on my way to a mothers blessing.  

And my brain takes me to what my habit would have naturally done - which would have been, take a photo of my lap, type “Mothers blessing today” and upload to my stories. 

I say natural because I have, pretty consistently, documented every day of my life since the stories feature came out on instagram. 

And due to an algorithm, it had been a long time since I first learned the habit that now comes like second nature - that If I update stories every couple of hours,  It would be seen by more of my audience. And to be seen is the intention of social media. 

BUT on this morning I DID NOT take the photo, I DON’T have people knowing what I’m doing with my day, 

And therefore I DON’T feel a small level of guilt, at the fact that I’m able to go to the mother blessing today, but couldn’t attend another friends mother blessing last week. 

I know, Feels ridiculous typing it out btw, 

Though I think it’s important to share, 

Because what I felt was LIBERATION in the privacy of my life, rather than GUILT. And it was in that moment, looking out the car window at the trees, that I realised I’ve been feeling Micro Guilt ALL THE DAMN TIME. 

These micro guilts come in many different ways, 

Like when I would share to my stories, and not touch my inbox, knowing there were people waiting for replies. 

The micro guilt of being out and about all morning (& sharing that online) only to crash and burn that afternoon and cancel plans. 

Or the opposite order. 

The micro guilt of picking up my phone for a check of the inbox (that’s now overloaded due to avoidance), and knowing Rafi wants to play with me. 

Or having a much enjoyed scroll, while feeding Rafi to sleep *Insert micro guilt again*

The micro guilt of sharing a personal opinion or belief online and then feeling energetically open to others opinions around said belief and feeling the micro guilt of rocking the boat. 

The micro guilt of scrolling past a name - of someone I’ve been meaning to check in with by I don’t have the space in this moment to do so… and it’s a little reminder each time. And a pang in my heart.

Now rationally in my mind I know all of these things are pretty much not on the radar for most of you, and really they weren’t even on the radar for me either UNTIL I stopped documenting every few hours of my day. Until I felt freedom rather than micro guilt and then I was like - Oh damn, this is a thing. 

It’s not stopped me from having boundaries,  or still expressing myself in a way that feels good to me online, 

But I just didn’t truly notice the undertone of micro guilt underneath my every day experience. It made me tired. 

So that’s the first thing…

The micro guilts being replaced by micro freedoms. 

The second thing is my pondering on how that is affecting my nervous system right now.

Most of you know I’m on a vision quest of my heart to find and call in a home for my family that feels amazing. 

I have an idea as to what that LOOKS like physically (Land, Cottage, cow, chickens, gym/ shed/ office for Tul, big dome event space for community, bush school, permie gardens etc) BUT overall I simply know the FEELING of what it all is. 

My main vision I have visit me is actually in the kitchen of This dream. The home isn’t my dream home but it sure does FEEL like it. All the windows are open and it’s a Queensland evening, warm, breeze flowing in. It feels still, quiet (alongside the birds and crickets outside), peaceful, 

I have a clean home and candles burning and I sit on the couch once the *kids* are in bed, and I feel peace. And relaxation. And creativity. Life feels sexy. Like I actually want to jump on Tully at the end of the day. This vision FEELS simple. I can feel it in my body, that moment, as if it’s a nostalgic memory. 

And the reason this all relates to the micro guilts and social media is 2 things. 

1, being little subliminal comparisons via social media and consuming other peoples lives. As a generator who is, generally, just SO excited by life, and SO excited for others in their joy, It can be really easy to feel surges of energy for other people ALL the time and mistake it as my own. 

So though I felt pretty sure about our vision, I wonder often, how much of it is made up by subliminal beauty I see online, and how much of it is the true desire of my heart.

 I’ve been feeling into it over the last couple days - Scratching the surface really - and realised how much more simpler it all was.

I’ve always associated myself as a big dreamer and a “make it all happen with the click of a finger” type gal, but I’ve felt such a simplifying of my life and it was for this dream too. SO it feels amazing to be able to connect to the peacefulness of an evening in the kitchen of This home….

Rather than the BIGNESS of it. The bells and whistles, which may of course be a real part of it… but also maybe not. It’s nice to be able decipher more clearly 

And 2, because I know, when calling things into existence in our lives, our nervous systems play a huge part. That’s why breath work is taking off around the place, and why meditation has been something people have practised for years, and why trauma release work is so important. 

Our nervous systems conduct energy around our body. It tells our body to be in flight, fight, freeze… It tells our body if it needs to retract and protect or if it’s SAFE to OPEN AND EXPAND and therefore receive. 

Manifestation is often so fluffy with just mindset and belief work. 

And I get that that’s an important stepping stone.

But to know manifesting without understanding your body, nervous system, inner child, traumas, joys, expansions, community & environment and having reverence for sociological, economical privileges …. Isn’t a full understanding. BUT that is a post for another day. 

My current point is being, 

That me, living my day to day life with micro guilts, and a nervous system that’s more wound up from scrolling or consuming reels, or feeling overwhelmed by an inbox…. Was telling my nervous system to contract more than open. 

And realistically with a toddler I just wasn’t taking the time to do practices outside of that to stay open in other ways. 

Therefore I’ve been walking through my life (almost oblivious but not quite) more closed than open. More contracted than expanded. More of an energetic no than an energetic yes.
And I mean, my life has still felt nourishing, and amazing, and beautiful and soulful. I really don’t want to sound like it hasn’t because I’ve still felt so present and so in love with it all… but from a space of 51% contraction and in the car I was like “woah… how much better could it get if it was from a place of complete openness”. 

What would my life taste like if I was experiencing it from inner freedom and peace 

Rather than inner micro guilt, avoidance, contraction because I’m so tired. 

What if what’s stopping me from RECEIVING the life I’m DREAMING UP *Insert vision quest* is because my eyes aren’t clear. My body is cloudy and therefore I can’t experience the clarity I’m craving. I can’t call in peace if I’m addicted to guilt. I can’t hear the birds in the evening if I’m stuck in a reel wormhole. 

#realtalk

I can’t ask to feel relaxed but experience a wound up nervous system in my day to day life. It won’t just all stop as I find our dream home. It’s a co created process of calling this dream into existence. 

I hope you’re picking up what I’m putting down…

And that’s where I’m at now. 

It feels like my nervous system is unwinding. Fast. 

I didn’t drink coffee today and I ALLOWED MYSELF TO NAP when my toddler napped. It was amazing. And I needed it. But usually I would have tried to get all my social online stuff done so that I could be with him when he woke up. 

I napped, and then I fell asleep again as I put him to sleep tonight. Before waking myself up because I wanted to write. 

I’m finding a new reset of slow as normal.

Tully & I made love last night in the shower and what normally takes me a while to really get into my body, took half the time. Because there was less work to do on my nervous system to relax and be present. 

And I just wanted to share all that with you in a long windy story way because these are sometimes the little wins we don’t talk about. 

We don’t talk much about how we just removed a big block of guilt from our life and replaced it with inner freedom. 

We don’t share how we felt so connected to our inner child and the curiosity lead to a new passion, 

Or how we felt our emotions fully because we weren’t distracted by anything.
These wins are important and amplify the subtlety’s of our lives. 

And the subtle life is just as valid as the big life we show others. 

So if you’ve read this far I would LOVE you to engage in the comments below and share some of the more subtle wins of your life right now. 

Thank you for reading and existing with me here on this way slower platform xx

Kat x