Lovers Re-Connect

from a couple- to parents... WTF

Lovers Re-Connect

I remember when I fell pregnant, one of the bigger fears that arose in me was the fear that my relationship with Tully would change. 

I was so scared that we would become ships in the night,  

Passing each other by, 

And all our focus would shift onto a baby… 

And what if that never changed? What if that simply became our new normal. 

What if Tully moved deeper into his work, 

And what If I let myself be overcome by motherhood? 

What if we would forget the stunning love we had shared? 

I was scared of no longer having passionate sex, 

And scared we’d be too tired to communicate properly, 

And even worse - stop caring about those things due to exhaustion or feeling busy in our lives. 

I never wanted my son to grow up in a household where he didn’t get to witness pure love. 

I wanted him to see teamwork, playfulness, affection, and joy. 

I also wanted him to see the moments that weren’t so pretty, but how they were resolved in love and respect. 

This publication is a bit about our relationship journey, from our personal relationship and the ways our relationship work has evolved over time.

I speak into the challenges we faced once we became parents and how that initiation felt within our personal relationship. (Clue : HARD)

I speak briefly about Tully’s upcoming COUPLES RETREAT in West Aus this APRIL which has JUST opened for enrolments,

and I speak about 4 key things that have helped Tul and I reconnect as parents within our relationship that feel crucial for us to move forward into a space of thriving.

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I was fearful because up until parenthood, our lives as a couple had been amazing.

There had absolutely been wildly challenging times within our relationship that required us to up level our skillset fast in order to move into the next season. 

I’d say after the honeymoon phase dissolved we entered a whole year of a shadow phase. There were constant big conversations, processing of emotion, moving through traumas and past hurts, and overall learning how to love and receive love by the almost stranger in front of us. What pulled us through was a genuine curiosity of each other and a deeper knowing that we, as a couple, had more to give each other, and more to give the world, than the whirlwind we were in but we HAD to go through it to grow into the couple we were to be. 

I look back now with so much gratitude and fondness in my heart for that year, because it honestly gifted us with an insane amount of communication skills, and had us clear so much emotional debris that not only did it prepare us in many ways for parenthood, but it also had us pop out the other end with a beautiful clean slate. And from there we got to work on creating the life we wanted to live together. 

We had passionate sex, and spend all mornings and afternoons wrapped up in bed, 

We would laugh a lot and have many deep and meaningful conversations. 

We learned how to support and explore one another psyche without coaching each other, 

We learned how to manage expectations, leaving a lot of room for humanness while still holding each other to a standard of potential. 

We learned how to create safe containers within conversations, intimacy and daily life where we both felt safe to express our honesty no matter the outcome. 

We navigated heartbreak, grief, huge joy and love, confusion, frustration, feeling on different pages, and unity. 

We learned how to have joyful compromise so that all of our needs were being met within our relationship

And we learned how to come together and co-create a vision, feeling aligned in our passion for life and what we were wanting to call forward through intention, ceremony, ritual and daily living. 

We began hosting couples retreats which were so much fun, especially because at that time in our lives we just wanted to be around other couples who were wanting to grow into love together and we wanted to teach skills so that they could do that, along side having a beautiful weekend away together, with amazing Ayurvedic food, comfy bed amongst the trees by the beach, fire pit, candle lit dinners etc. 

We also created an online program at that point too which had a pilot version which was 5 weeks long, If my memory is correct I think it was 2-3 live calls a week, we would have the men and women in private calls each week and then a couples call. 

It was intense and a big workload for everyone involved, and we pivoted and stretched it out into 10 weeks which was a lot more manageable for everyone - though as time went on I can see clearly it needed to be longer because long term change happens when it can be integrated in daily life slowly, and when there’s plenty of time to practise as life happens and couples are still held in a space that has them feeling accountable. 

Anyway, the online course and retreats were a big success overall, We worked with hundreds and hundreds of couples from all walks of life. 

Though one thing that stood out to me was - we didn’t have kids yet. And though we had a lot of couples work with us who did have kids, I do think there is a gap where we didn’t fully have a lived experience of relating while trying to raise a family. It’s a WHOLE other ball game and honestly parents are heroes in my eyes. I don’t know of anything else that requires so much focus and love and empathy. 

When we fell pregnant, we continued the online program for a while longer, and then we stepped back. 

A beautiful part about teaching (in my opinion) is that it holds the teacher accountable to embody what is being taught. 

Once we stopped teaching, we still maintained a lot of what we taught but I felt like it was important to take the pressure off the “teachers hat” and give our relationship space to morph and evolve behind the scenes. 

And so it did. 

We had a baby needing us often. 

That first year, I think for most new parents, is challenging. I do remember being pleasantly surprised at our ability to maintain the feeling of being on the same team. Tully honestly went above and beyond for me and I felt very loved and care for though what I struggled with was having the time and space to process emotion properly while being under a baby almost all the time. 

Tul would take time to regulate, Breathwork etc so that he could show up better for us and I always appreciated that… but I remember literally developing haemorrhoids a couple months AFTER giving birth because I had so much pent up rage from sitting on the couch feeding all day every day and all I wanted to do was to actually get up and do the dishes or SOMETHING. 

Though once Raf became a toddler that’s when we hit our challenges a bit more. The exhaustion from almost 2 years of sleep deprivation, breastfeeding and having close to no support with Rafi in the sense of having him cared for had left us feeling disconnected, tired and a bit numb from having little space to process emotion. 

The very fears I had when I fell pregnant, all came to fruition. 

Which in some ways was great because I no longer feared them. Instead, I was living them. 

We passed each other by often without a second look. 

We would bicker more often about things that felt pointless. 

We stopped leaning on each other so much in fear that the other didn’t have the capacity, and we ourselves had less capacity. 

Our intimacy was dry, 

Both in the bedroom and in our daily life. 

And we had just moved across the country and had no support. 

We had to make some big changes and pull on the skills that we had. 

Within two months everything turned around. We made intimacy a priority again, and made the effort to have very clear, honest and safe communication. (By safe communication, I mean no blame, no shame, no games, just speak from the heart with honesty, and in an environment where we are both willing to listen and learn). The combo of intimacy and communication skills solves a lot of issues on it’s own haha. 

We leant into the discomfort of having care for Rafi for a little while. The final piece of the puzzle was to get on the same page regarding our vision because we felt like we were walking different paths. Especially because in the past so much of our connection also came from working together, and not that wasn’t happening, we had to find other things that sparked excitement and joy and unity outside of Rafi and work. 

We needed this evolution, though honestly I thought it would have happened in the first year of parenthood. 

We needed it because it felt like an initiation into a depth of relating that we both craved. 

To see each other for who we are NOW rather than who we’ve been. To move forward as a team with love, support and excitement rather than reminiscing on the past. 

To put into practice all we had taught for years, now in the space of parenthood, which felt - SO MUCH more fulfilling because the impact is so much bigger. 

I didn’t feel like I wanted to move back into couples work, and still don’t though who knows maybe that will change again one day because I do love working with couples. 

Tully on the other hand knows his dharma. He began a 9 month intensive training which was equivalent to studying full time (while working and parenting and relating full time). 

During that training he had perspective that a lot of what he had taught in the past was exactly what he should have been teaching, though he was able to create a lot more structure to the processes and ways that he taught. He also became fully trauma informed - which is important, and though he naturally was that way inclined anyway, it felt good to be qualified in that way. 

He came out the other side with a huge renewal of energy towards couples work again (Had just been working with men for a couple of years). 

Initially he didn’t know what it would look like without us both co-creating with the couples stuff but it was all beginning to land and organise itself infant of him.

As most of you already know, he recently launched liberating love, the couples program that spans over 4 months and is already receiving great feedback from those participating. 

And THIS WEEK he is launching the FIRST couples retreat in years! 

 I am beyond excited, and quite frankly have a whole lot of fomo because I know how fun and intimate and beautiful it will be. 

I miss being in those spaces but I’m SO glad he is. 

For those of you in WESTERN AUSTRALIA or those willing to travel,

Yallingup, 

April 20-23 2023

At the Stunning Premalaya retreat (the birthplace of our first ever couples retreat in 2017)

Amongst the trees, by the ocean, with a sauna, and clay dams to swim in, 

And the most delicious Ayurvedic meals ever. 

If you’re interested in coming you can download the free info pack below and take a look to see if it’s for you or someone you know.
There are limited spaces due to size of venue. 

or if above link doesn’t work copy paste below

https://www.tullyoconnor.com/loversreconnect-infopack

I also wanted to share a few things I’ve learned within relationship that has really created more space for us to thrive ESPECIALLY since becoming parents. 

Firstly - It was crucial for us to create the space, have the conversations and hold each other in the GRIEVING of our relationship before kids. Even though we love family life now, Our bodies still need to play catch up. There is very real and valid sadness, yearning, and missing what was. Missing the spaciousness, the spontaneity, the passion, and having each other as a main focus rather than a whole family unit. 

It reminds me of the maiden to mother transition and having to grieve the maiden self as we integrate the mother, and how it doesn’t happen over night. It can take years. 

Similar to this - Grieving the “maidenness” of our relationship as it morphs into more maturity and depth. 

Being honest about missing each other even when we are in the same room as each other, crying, allowing frustration to be there without judging it or making it mean that we didn’t want this life, because grief and joy can co-exist. 

Secondly- Embracing what our life NOW looks like, and getting creative with solutions on how to mould it with the resources we have, so that it suited our values NOW. 

This helps us create space for 1. More freedom. 2. More thriving separately and together. 

We acknowledged the grief but there’s no point unless we are also willing to acknowledge this season of our relationship too. To be feet into our current reality and be ALWAYS willing to pivot and make subtle changes within communication, sleep, sex, daily lifestyle, food/hormone balancing etc.

Thirdly- To deeply reflect and celebrate the fuck out of how far we have come, and honestly acknowledge each other for the ways we HAVE been able to show up for ourselves, each other and our family. 

When we look for it, there is so much there to be proud of, and it’s important to truly make that time, to write it all out and reflect, and then share that with each other. Also for the daily wins that often feel a lot smaller in the day to day, but create a huge part of our lives. 

Wins like - Remembering to kiss before going to bed, 

And cooking each other a really delicious meal that’s not on the normal rotation here and there as an act of love and nourishment. 

Or the fact that Tul is ALWAYS in ANY moment willing to drop what he’s doing and hear me if I need to express a need or emotion. 

Finally - 

Connecting over an intention for our family and relationship. How do we wish to feel? 

This is in a immediate sense (I want to feel connected, desired, heard and enjoyed)

But also in a bigger sense - What life are we wanting to create? What are we willing and not willing to joyfully sacrifice, 

Are we on the same team, and what are our roles within this team to have this happen. 

Do we REALLY want this vision, or do we THINK we want it based on what we’ve seen others do. 

If we were to strip it all back, what vision for the future is OURS? What aligns with our needs, interests and passions,  

How do we make a gameplay to feel as though we are moving towards it, 

How can we cultivate more trust, and what rituals can we incorporate into our lives to feel aligned in that and remind us often why we are doing what we are doing. 

I know it sounds weird but an extremely simple example of this is - 

Tully and I both have a shared vision of buying in Tasmania as an investment home and turning it into a beautiful family experiential retreat (think animals, fairy gardens, nature play, sauna, iceboats, hot tubs, outdoor play, cosy beautiful inside, nature walks etc). 

Obviously to get there we have to work, and focus and dream. 

When I loose sight of that dream, I begin to feel bubbling resentment (Doesn’t mean it’s warranted haha but its sometimes there) for his work load, 

And I feel tired from parenting alone. 

But when he and I sit together on the couch and watch YouTubes about Tasmania or setting up spaces like this… It has us feeling connected and excited, and before long I have a huge appreciation once more for the ways we have chosen to make this dream happen. 

It puts us back on the same team. 

Helps us work towards a common goal that is OUTSIDE of the relationship but is also meaningful to us both.

Anyway, that’s all from me today - Back to packing, tidying, organising this house ready to move out in a few weeks….. and head to Tasmania to see if we can find something special….

Kat xx