Night Weaning our almost 3 year old

Fouth time lucky???

I have read a total of Zero blog posts or books on night weaning. Mainly because I just wanted to roll with being responsive moment to moment rather than trying to follow a set strategy. 

Honestly I had no idea how to go about it and somehow weaning felt harder than the alternative (of sleeping through the night and no longer feeding overnight)

We co-sleep and plan to continue doing so. 

Rafi’s favourite place in the world is right there between Tul & I snuggled up. Often our foreheads touch or one of his arms is outstretched over me to make sure I’m still there. 

Raf & I are like little animals, curled up with each other sleeping and feeding all night. Tully on the other hand is at the furthest most point of his side of the bed, with his back to us. 

When we first began co-sleeping, Rafi would be on my outside, making me the middle person in the bed. It felt safer as Tul would roll during the night whereas I am a still sleeper. 

Now that Raf Is bigger we have adjusted to him mostly being in the middle though sometimes he asks me to “swap sides” depending on which boob is the most full.

I never actually thought I’d be breastfeeding at 33 months (I never know whether t round down to two and a half or up to three… Usually I say “almost 3” though there’s a few months to go)

But I also had no plan as to when we would stop. I honestly never thought about it. I just assumed he would chill out with the boob obsession, but he never did. I also assumed I’d get to a point where I had had enough, though time and time again, even through some very sleepless nights, burning nipples, biting, etc, I somehow just kept going as all those things felt temporary in the bigger picture of our breastfeeding journey. 

Though this year there have been a few moments where it has felt right to come to a close, at least for overnight. 

We have tried (and somewhat did and didn’t succeed) with night weaning 3 times, and are currently in the middle of our fourth attempt, with the taste of sweet success on the horizon. 

Firstly I’d like to say that I don’t believe that sleep is linear, not is the journey to stop breastfeeding. It’s not a start, finish, done deal type of thing (well not always) and sleep isn’t a “they sleep through the night so now they will forever” type thing either. Even stopping breastfeeding through the late PM and early AM doesn’t automatically give us full nights of sleep… So our choice to wean had to be beyond just the sleep stuff. 

Also that this journey for some children is simple and for others it’s complex. All is normal.

(can you let me know if these photos come through blurry for you?)

The first time we chose to night wean was in March this year. 

We thought it was a good Time because he was almost two, and I had just come down with a really intense tooth infection that had me unable to lay down at night, unable to have my head flat (the blood rushes to the gums and creates huge pain), and I was on some heavy pain killers so co-sleeping didn’t feel like the best option either…. 

I moved into the spare room, 

And we spoke to Rafi for a few days about not having boobie at night anymore. 

Tully would be with him at night, 

And Raf would wake and be hysterical for me. 

We always had a point where I would come in if it was too much for too long, But overall Rafi was so loved, so safe and held beautifully by Tully, But it was too much for him. 

He didn’t know why I wasn’t in the bed, but he did enjoy midnight snacks of sausages or strawberries at 3 am with Tul. 

I got three weeks of sleep (sort of) and I think it was the break I needed after almost 2 years. 

As soon as I had my tooth out and the pain subsided I was back in bed with the boys and I guess I wasn’t actually ready to wean, and possibly Raf wasn’t either. 

He went back on the boob and we agreed to try again another time soon. 

The next time was a month or two later, We had done a similar strategy of me leaving the room at night (assuming that was the least confusing option for Raf)

He was now very close to being 2. 

The first few nights challenging but he adapted a lot quicker this time around and by the end of the week we saw the clouds part and the silver stream of “you’re almost there” pour down from the sky. 

BUT we made the mistake of getting in the car for a 4 hour road trip and spending a week away as Tully left to attend a vision quest in the bush and I was solo parenting with my friend and her toddler. 

Our toddlers challenge each other often so not only was there a lot more emotional regulation and soothing being needed, I was so exhausted by the night time and couldn’t bring myself to hold him through big emotions all night I just thought “fck it” and put him back on the boob by the second night. By the 4th night we had all come down with what seemed to be covid or something similar. Night sweats, Rafi throwing up, Fevers, the most hectic headache of my life, had him on the boob for the sake of nourishment and immune boosting properties and he stayed on the boob since as the fatigue for us both was long lasting and we felt overwhelmed at the thought of trying again…

The third time At the beginning of January this year, we had a different approach. 

We decided I would stay in the bed so It was less jarring for Rafi. 

But I would wear a shirt and tell him no boobie until the sun comes up. 

We would have our evening feed together and I’d remind him of the plan, he would nod enthusiastically in understanding with his cheeks full of milk. 

By his 11.30pm wake up all was forgotten and he would scream. 

I remember being shocked at how angry he was at us. Like ANGRY, I thought he’d break his voice box. He would kick and scream and try to hit. Refuse any sort of touch and asking him questions wasn’t a helpful thing. 

We just had to sit there, remind him we understand how hard it would feel to not have boobie, and that it’s Okay for him to be sad and angry. We love him. And we know he wants it but we have to wait. 

After 45 minutes of non stop crying he dropped to the mattress and fell asleep. 

He woke another 3 times that night, each wake up around 20-30 minutes. Some needing a banana, but he refuses water every time. 

The second night was better, with the longest upset being around 30 mins (and by upset I still mean huge emotional upheaval and breakdown for him).

On the 5th night, we stayed at a friends house as our power was out and we needed wifi for Tuls work. 

He slept through until 4.30 am when the kookaburras began waking everyone up and I gave him milk then. 

That was the best night we had had so far. 

But again, we made the mistake the following morning to roadtrip to the gold coast, then see friends in the northern rivers. 

We thought we had done the thing. He had basically slept through.

But once we got to a tiny apartment where you could hear music or sneezing coming from any of the many neighbours, and when Rafi was completely in sensory overload being in a new place (also small space that isn’t overly kid friendly) and all our routine being out of whack, 

I couldn’t resettle him at night. 

He would scream (and I was like - Fair enough, I feel like screaming too) But I was so paranoid about him waking everyone in the entire apartment that I gave him boob for the 3 nights we were there. That ended up just continuing for the rest of the week. I could tell that the give and take of the breastfeeding felt confusing for him. The consistency wasn’t there and he knew it was always an option now depending on how bad he wanted it. 

He would occasionally resettle himself in the night but overall it was easier on all of us to have him soothe with milk. 

His processing during the day was intense to deal with, processing of new places, new people, needing to share me, his dad, some of his things, or other kids things… So I felt like giving him the soothing of the boob was actually helpful and healing. 

Though we got home after our trip - exhausted. So so tired. It was a big week. 

We gave ourselves a few days and chatted to Rafi about it for a few days then launched into (basically the last 1.5 weeks) the fourth round of night weaning. 

1. I’m in the bed with him and Tully

2. Tul and I mostly rotate each wakeup with who’s holding Rafi through but often we are both there

3. He has boob to sleep, then no boob until he sees the sun rising and the birds going. Then he exclaims “THE SUN IS AWAKE IT’S BOOBIE TIME” and he feeds back to sleep for a couple hours more. 

4. He eats 1-2 bananas a night. 

5. I bought him a dinkum doll from Oliella and gifted it to him before beginning weaning again and told him it was a special doll that would help his heart be happy and keep him safe, and that when the boobie was going away and he felt sad, to give “Dinki” a cuddle and it would help.

The first night of this final round was actually the most difficult of it all so far. 

He was confused, it was hard. 

It was hard to see him so upset, running around the house as if he had seen a ghost. He began shaking, screaming. I questioned if it had gone too far, thought we had only been loving and direct in our communication with him. 

He ran into his playroom (safe space) and after about 45 minutes he calmed with a  frozen smoothie we had made earlier into iceypoles. The house had gone from what felt like chaos to silence with a tiny little much much much. He asked for space and Tul and I left him in the playroom to eat his iceypooles while we re-grouped in the kitchen. 

I felt like we were doing well. We feel confident holding big emotions and being a safe place for Rafi, though late at night it Is absolutely exhausting. We psyched ourselves up for a big night. 

We headed to bed, all laid down, he cuddled Dinki and we slept. He woke up 3 more times, none as big as the first though all still with a lot of grief, anger and confusion. 

By the 3rd night there were 2 smaller 10 minute wake ups and a couple of 5 minute resettling. 

Last night (maybe night 6 or 7?) He woke up before Tul and I went to bed (around 10) and I went into the room, and said “Im right here, roll over and go back to sleep, here’s Dinki” and that’s exactly what he did. 

Then he slept through until about 4.30 as the sun was cracking the horizon. I told him the sun wasn’t ready yet and he went back to sleep for an hour, then had boob and slept until 6.30am.

Last night may have been the easiest so far. 

Fingers crossed for tonight and not to jinx anything but I do feel like we are close now. 

We aren’t booking ANY trips away or big changes in the next month at least, and I do feel like Dinki has now become an anchor point for him. We leave the doll on the bed all the time to anchor for sleep and the bedroom. 

He also cuddles it to sleep at his midday nap (we still feed for that) but again, the anchor point. 

Moving forward, after a couple weeks of (sort of) consistency though I don’t expect things to be linear at all, some nights will still be better than others… though even labelling them as “better” or not feels weird, 

We will start to drop the 3 day feeds. Possibly the evening feed first as that feels like the most natural one. 

Then the day nap (though I’m terrified if he doesn’t sleep with the boob he won’t sleep during the day at all and good bye sanity on my part from that moment forward, but we will see how that goes) and then finally the early morning feed. 

The biggest learning for me is being with his grief, and understanding this transition for him is grief. 

And you know what, even though I feel ready and willing to finish night weaning, I’m not completely ready to finish all together… though as we inch closer to dropping feeds I do feel grief arising within me too. 

Another leaning is that the grief doesn’t all come out during the night for him and instead a lot of it is being processed during the day while we play.

For example, normally Raf will fall over or make “a mistake” or something won’t go his way and he handles it well. He gets up, tries again etc. 

Over this last week, he went to kick his rainbow ball and it didn’t go in the direction he wanted it to go in. He dropped to the ground in a huge outburst of emotions. 

And I knew, in a second… it wasn’t about the rainbow ball. 

Those sorts of things, on repeat. He went through about 5 days of wanting 3-4 of his smoothie iceypoles during the day (they are healthy, full of beef liver, protien, fats etc so I didn’t mind) but he refused most other food other than these. To me he had anchored in them as a comfort in the midst of his big emotions and it was part of his was of processing. 

Now he maybe asks for one a day. 

We have also found other ways to foster our connection time before bed. We sit on the shower floor together and play, read 3 books before bed and we often tell him stories about crocodiles or a kangaroo on the bouncy castle or whatever weird things we can ramble on about while we are tired.

I’ve began writing Rafi little love notes when he is away from me like when he goes to swimming lessons. He loves them so much, and such a simple gesture from me in his lunchbox means the world to him.

This is all part of the closing and opening of motherhood. Honestly I thought we would have done this a long time ago, but also like I said, I never had a plan to so we just kept going until it felt right. Even part of me was wondering if I should just keep going to term (Meaning maybe age 4ish or until he decided to stop) but I do have a big desire to feel like my body is my own, and spend a few nights away before we go ahead and grow the family and are back in another postpartum few years. 

I’d love to know if weaning was a challenge for you or simple. I feel like different ages, personalities, attachments can make it just a really different experience for everyone. 

And each of us are navigating our 1:1 relationship with our child as they change and grow into new stages. 

It’s all big. 

Thanks for reading, happy to answer any Q’s below!