Ways we reject "the village" (we say we want)

A self exploration and calling forward

(Photo by @wild.flow.her of @Belle__wood, Myself,

Chambrie Ferrier

Edwina

and @mrs.hayley.lane)

“Why we reject the village we say we want”

Every second post on my instagram feed is referring to “cultivating the village”.

Pointing out structural flaws in the building blocks of general western society and how it completely avoids supporting mothers. 

Mothers sharing how challenging life has been for them, raising children, hoping for their husband/or partner to show up as a friend, lover, support person, father, the village. 

Mothers Isolated. 

The village - Craved for. 

Having to possibly sacrifice values in order to “get by” without the village. 

In fact, many read “the village” and have NO idea what it even actually means.

The fuck, what is this village everyone is talking about but nobody apparently has???

But then

When or if help shows up.

People offer a hand, a meal, a shoulder….

Unless we are desperate

We 

Say

“No thanks”

“Don’t worry, we are so “Ok””

“I don’t want to put you out”

“Oh I can still handle things, I’d rather get help when it’s REALLY hard”

Or, If we were actually honest

“Thank you so much for the offer, but if I say yes, The vulnerability whiplash of admitting my own defeat, and being seen as though I can’t handle motherhood will swallow me whole”

Or

“Look, if I say yes to getting help, it means I can’t do this like everyone else. I’ll make it mean I’m not a good mum, and I’ll assume everyone else has got it together behind closed doors. I’ll feel shit about myself and it will take away from the fact you are actually just a good person who loves me and it adds value to your life to offer help. I’ll spiral, so it’s best if I just sit in this loneliness of motherhood and reject all offers so that I don’t have to face off with my own insecurities”

Or 

“If I say yes, to your help, then we are bonded deeper. Which means, not only do I have to stretch my motherload capacity to include you too, but I also now feel indebted to you in some way, and that’s too overwhelming for me to handle, so It’s easier to say no, and struggle alone, but feel free of debt”.

Are we committed to the village? Or are we more committed to our own insecurities and block something beautiful from happening? 

Are we committed to the village or are we more committed to doing it alone so that we feel capable, and then martyring ourselves later for it? 

Are we committed to the village or are we avoiding being apart of something bigger because it means being seen in our shit?

Now here’s the thing with being so far down the road of individualised family units, 

And general lack of the village

Is that by this stage, many mothers are ALREADY at capacity. 

Already with a full plate and busy lives. 

So to ASK for help from the mothers in our community, feels incredibly hard because- We already know they likely need the support just as much as we do. 

How dare we ask another who’s already on their knees, to help us off ours? 

Right? 

The fact that the “Village” is left up to mothers overall to create, in order to exist within, in my opinion, ridiculous.

Though it’s only when you become a parent, do you value that style of community, companionship and support enough to want to be apart of it. (Again, generalisation)

Who designed this madness?  

When I was in my pre-kid era, I spent a lot of time looking after children from other families.

I had a lot of energy, more time, and a passion for helping mothers with their cubs. My maiden energy is full swing and I loved being of service in this way. 

When I first became a mother, I had even more desire to help others with their babes, but a lot less capacity to do so. 

That’s when I really began to ponder the missing links. 

Firstly, I noticed how I craved the energy of maiden women around me (Women without kids, usually younger though many hold the beautiful energy of the maiden). I knew that those who were passionate about children but had not had their own, are BEYOND valuable in the structure of creating the village - But at the same time, many were off living their best lives traveling the world (as they so should), and I found myself struggling to trust others with my baby who - hadn’t walked that path themselves (Keep in mind this was my first baby. I have noticed in many mothers, especially established mothers with multiple children this is less of a thing and they are a lot more willing to receive help).

And to add, the importance of diversifying our community/village, so we aren’t just connected to other mamas in their first 5 years of parenthood. Find people at all sorts of stages, as capacity evolves as kids grow. Theres better advice circulated and more reverence for parenthood as a whole.

I noticed all the ways I would hope Tully could fill many voids of where the village once lived. 

I hoped he could be my lover. 

My space holder.

The one to help nourish me through food, and love, and be a shoulder. 

Also a great father for our babe. 

Provide financially while I tend to a new baby. 

It’s a lot for someone to hold. Anyone. 

I noticed all the ways I subtly rejected the grandparents role in Rafs life. Not because they weren’t helpful, 

But because I wanted to do things differently, my way. 

I wanted to guide my family down a different path, and to an extent, separation was needed in order to establish our own family unit… but even then… I question that thought process… family unit? We want it to be “just us” and simultaneously hope it’s not “just us”.

I noticed how I resisted having Rafi create his own unique relationships and feedback loops with others if I thought the emotional regulation skills weren’t there or I was fearful old school parenting models would be used on him to try and tame or shame him in any way. 

Rather than trusting that the world will have him learn all sorts of things, but that true education and context is provided at home. 

I noticed the ways many mothers would sit in the struggle of their lives, and find connection and intimacy with others through that. Through the hardships. Very very rarely did I observe mothers coming together in celebration of ease. The moments they experienced all engulfing love, or joy. The times where their sex lives were thriving, or they felt emotionally clear and alive. Creatively ON. 

I witnessed it be more vulnerable to share the joys of motherhood in a culture that expects you to struggle. 

And if you aren’t…. Then clearly you’re not being #authentic #real #vulnerable enough. 

This would create cultures of struggle and in order to be accepted into the mum club and not be “tall poppy syndromes” first victim, it would make more sense to share our vulnerable moments of struggle rather than our vulnerable moments of successes. 

There is much to unpack on this 

All the ways we are actually rejecting the village that we crave so badly. 

There’s an internalised structure many of us have. 

It’s the idea that if we are given to, then we must give back equally or more. 

Therefore if we are given to, we feel this emotional “debt” to repay, to that person, in order to say thank you. 

And honestly, there are many people in this world who DO give, WITH the expectation that they’ll receive later equal or more. 

However, there are also many who want to give, because being of service nourishes their spirit. With no expectation of a return. 

The model of “I give to you, then you give to me”, sets us all up for failure because if we are not in a place where we feel as though we have capacity to give, we reject any forms of receiving that is coming our way. Even if we don’t know we are doing it. 

We say no to offers of love, kindness and generosity, because the thought of having to find energy and time to repay the offer or even simply the feeling that we “should” repay, even if they don’t expect it, feels too out of reach when we are deep in the struggle…

though saying yes could be the very thing to help us cultivate just a bit more energy and time - not to repay any debts, but for ourselves. 

This whole model, is old school on the surface, but honest in its essence. 

What I mean by that, is on the surface - It’s a “I give to you, then you give to me” scenario. It’s outdated. It’s conditional and it doesn’t offer any sense of freedom or ease for anyone involved. 

However, If you get below the surface and open up to what this COULD offer - all of a sudden, there is truth to the beauty of it. 

What if, instead of expecting a giving and receiving and a return of such, between two people, we zoom out. 

We zoom out into a community mind rather than an individual relationship perspective. 

I give to you, without expectation. Just because it feels good to give. 

I trust I’ll receive elsewhere, when the time is right, from you or from other sources and resources. 

In the community mind (Which is required for true village) 

Person A may have capacity to give, and support Person B - who could do with some extra support. 

Person A is in a season of resources. Maybe they have energy, time, money, skills that are more available to them right now. 

Person B may be in a season of receiving. Where it’s important that they are supported. 

Person A then may enter a season of receiving. Their capacity drops off. They need support. 

It’s not upto person B to now fill that role. They can, of course, If they have capacity. But maybe they don’t. 

Person C shows up. They have capacity. They are able to support person A. 

Person B can hold reverence for where they are at without overextending. Person A can honour where they are at and also receive. 

Person C supports, feels great, is able to offer love in that way. 

Person B eventually gains more capacity. Is entering into a season of resources. 

They can then look around the community and offer support where it’s needed. 

It’s a process of trusting the karma of reciprocity. That We give when it’s our season to give, we receive when it’s our time to receive. 

We trust that it’s not solely on us to support others, and that members of a community can step up when we can’t. 

It’s also not solely on another person to be our main support (Friend/ partner). That there are many ways we can receive and many channels to open to. 

I’ve done another post about “How to make friends as a mum” where I go deeper into creating thriving ecosystems, not just having friends. 

You can read It Here

We are two weeks postpartum right now. 

We’ve had community show up and cook for us through a meal train. It’s been really beautiful to be in a receiving aspect of our lives. I remember when Rafi was born in 2020, and we had our community then - cook for us, offer massages/ energy work, clean for us etc It blew us open to receiving. We challenged ourselves to say yes, thank you, even when we felt uncomfortable, or felt like we sorta had things handled. Tully would say yes even when I would whisper to him “babe, no more, it’s too much”.

A byproduct of saying yes to those who loved us, was that we began saying yes more to life,  to each other, to opportunity. Our nervous systems expanded as we were sitting IN the energy of being willing and open to receive. It slowly became more comfortable and we noticed that there were SO many other ways we were receiving during this time. It on flowed into business and financially, it on flowed into ideas, creativity, and intimacy with friends, it flowed into mental wellbeing. It was beautiful. 

This postpartum, we’ve had a meal train, and also had friends offer to clean, put the washing on, do the dishes, drop food, look after Rafi so that we can rest, offers to pick up things for town so we don’t have to leave. 

It’s important to acknowledge all the channels in which gifts are being given - 

Possibly through a wholesome conversation which has you feeling more at ease within your circumstances. 

The gift of advice. 

The gift of food.

The gift of being thought about through a text.

An offer to look after children. 

Flowers on a doorstep, 

An offer of a coffee (How often do we refuse to allow someone to pay for a Coffee for us?)

Some examples ^

Creating a village can be a slow process, I believe it needs to be an active intention in our lives if we want to exist within it. It doesn’t always happen over night.

(Again, see the above post about making friends as a mum to see some practical ideas on how to make friends as a mum).

At this stage within general western society, I do believe we also have to be quite active in our pursuit to create, maintain and enjoy community - and I so understand that that can feel really hard when you don’t have capacity. 

We are pretty far down the road of insular living that it isn’t just a process of taking action and inviting support into our lives, but also a re-programming of our minds and facing off with our internal selves that tell us we should do it alone, that we are the only ones struggling, that to ask for help is ridiculous, to receive it is even more so…AND this new agey idea that we must cut family off if they don’t fit our parenting values rather than educating and teaching or identifying the gifts they do offer too our children. 

The village looks different for everyone. For some it’s having family close, for others away from family, it’s creating friendships. For some it’s leaning on resources available within a community, attending community events, free creches, hiring support in the form of a house fairy/cleaner/ meal prep. 

For some it’s being creative and finding ways to exchange a room for a nanny support etc. 

It likely won’t look like a bunch of half naked women and children skipping through meadows with flowers in the hair, unless you live near Byron bay…BUT also - (Why not?? If you want to skip around with me hold naked with flowers and children, we ride at dawn)

A final point that I feel is important to also mention is having boundaries around what’s being offered. Theres a difference between being open to diversity in the form of receiving but just because you are open to the village/ support/ doesn’t mean you have to accept every offer there is in the name of it.

Many times advice is given, without permission. 

Many times conditional support CAN be disguised as helping hands. 

Many times, we can sacrifice what we actually need (Rest) (a quiet day with the kids) in order to accomodate a coffee date in the name of community. 

Many times, we can have people cross boundaries, though we accept it - as we should feel lucky to have anyone wanting to help at all…(this shows up mainly in family dynamics).

It’s important to be clear on what sort of support you want and are open to. 

Clear on who you can ask. 

Clear on what level of capacity you currently have to offer support and love to others. 

Reassess regularly and do the uncomfortable work to communicate those needs with those around you. 

Honestly, a group chat is great for this. With a weekly check in on how everyone is going, what are they struggling with, also what feels like it’s thriving and needs celebrating? And admit capacity.

“Hey, I’m doing a big curry tonight, I can make two extra serves, anyone need a meal this week?” Or “Hey I’m super snowed under at the moment, does anyone have extra capacity this week” 

 And then, getting creative in the ways we can also support ourselves so that if nobody is able to show up with capacity, we can still find our ways through. 

I’d love to go deeper into this topic as there are so many layers to explore, but this has also taken me 3 days with a newborn. 

My internal voice whispers “know your limits Kat”.

I’ve published this post for free, so if you’ve received value and think others would, please share, comment, come play & be apart of the conversation.

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But before I go…

Something exciting is that a month and a half ago I published “In a dusty pink lake house” where I explained I’d love to be able to generate a little kitty though my august subscriptions to donate some bodywork/ nourishment to some mamas in need. 

In total, we (thanks to all of you who were already paid subscribers here OR upgraded your subscription to a paid sub in august)

“Raised” $1197 AUD” and with that I feel so excited to be able to GIVE to mothers who are in a season of needing to receive right now. 

Whether that’s to grieve, or needing support due to lack of support, due to financial hardship, or because they are so damn busy giving elsewhere that they never take a moment. 

I look forward to being able to update again while also giving these women privacy. Bodywork is around $150ish, meal delivery ranges here too but I’m confident at least 6-8 women will benefit from this effort. 

I want to say thank you so much, I know for some of you $9 a month is actually a stretch within budgets, and I know for some of you $9 a month is a no brainer to invest here but I really appreciate your willingness to rally with me in this way. It feels really good to come together in the name of finding creative ways to support the ecosystem and I hope that you all receive that $9 back somewhere somehow through channels you’re open to… from, the ecosystem.

Or perhaps it just feels so good to give. 

That’s all from me today, Gotta get back to a tiny smol human, and a slightly bigger one!

Lots of love

Kat