This is sooooo good. Literally all my thoughts you’ve compiled in one. So much guilt for receiving when I feel like I’m not “giving”. Yet also simultaneously know my magic is reaching people as needed and it’s just a season. I love your words and also love this incredible thing you are doing for women!!!!!!! Love love love you kat xxxx
Right, the second we zoom out and realise that over 20 years there will be plenty of times to give and plenty to receive, it takes a whole lotta pressure off .Love to you mama xx
This was so wholesome to digest. I also feel it can be so hard to receive because we can be conditioned to be the givers, helpers etc etc... I guess you touch on that with the whole dept concept! For me leaning into a place to receive in my postpartum has been so healing. I fully resonate with giving and being a good human when your capacity allows just feels SO good full stop, kindness spreads kindness...., and trusting the process of the karma of reciprocity to support a community rich mindset. Thanks beautiful woman. Sending so many snuggles to you and your fam x
Absolutely, and that's a whole other layer to explore, the conditioning of girl to woman and what it means to be a good woman (Giving, selflessness, of service etc) and how that conditioning can cause so much inner corruption. Thank you for commenting and sharing your take x xx
Love this. Wow. Some thoughts on what resonated for me
- sublty expecting our partner to be the village - so glad we talked about this pattern before baby came, every time I notice I feel at capacity and projecting and thinking my partner should be "more", I'm reflecting on weather there's actually something I need from somewhere else.
- grandparents - we live very close to grandparents and it's been such a gift, and it's made me really get clear on our values for our son, what we need them to respect, and when we just relax into them doing it a bit more their way and trusting that it's a gift for our son to see how different adults can embody different things (when its nothing that goes against our values obviously).
- being a bit aware of conditional support, e.g an actual gift to a baby that is something we don't want or believe in haha
- love the thoughts on connection through the hardships and have read previous post you wrote about it. I'm in the process of starting a mother circle and I'm thinking a lot of how to create and environment where this is not the driver for connection. while of course, it still being valid to share your challenging experiences.
- also love, which you touched briefly on, practicing recieving early on - NOT when you're about to crash and truly can't survive without it. I've been playing with this a lot as a new mother, from the get go not going in to pushing myself or believing I only need to ask for help if I truly truly need it. I let my son play with his grandma almost every day while I just enjoy doing literally NOTHING, or meditating, chilling, not dealing with cleaning / laundry etc. Love it haha.
Love your reflections with this, thank you beautiful. And YES it's like, if we wait to ask for help, to when we literally NEED IT BADLY, but nobody can show up, it becomes traumatic. When we learn to ask when we simply are getting a little wobbly, it will prevent the big fall.
Loved all of this mama. So much to unpack but babies will be back any moment so I'll keep it short. Learning to sit in the receiving energy has been huge for me and didn't really happen til R's birth and I'm glad I did work through it because the past few weeks I needed it. It's so beautiful to receive in this way, with no expectations to give in return.
And in the same way I find it so beautifully fulfilling to give.
I wholeheartedly enjoy looking after my cousins’ kids while I’m still flexible and have no kids on my own. Learning so much about myself by showing up for the mamas in my family.
This really got me: “I witnessed it be more vulnerable to share the joys of motherhood in a culture that expects you to struggle.”
On the flip side, I used to not be able to accept a thank you or little gift like chocolates, a candle or thank you card in return, not understanding the importance of my time helping. I’d brush it off saying it’s not a big deal.
So I rejected the village with this attitude as much as they did with their struggle of not being able to ask for help early enough.
I love that you've been able to reflect on this outside of parenthood. I know it's pretty universal many of these feelings, and not only subject to motherhood so I was hoping there would be some without kids who could resonate and enjoy.
I loved this so much. Resonating deeply in my bones.
I used to keep a tally in my head when it came to my turn to receive - “I’ve done xyz for them so I can receive this”, but when I gave there would be no expectation of receiving something back from them, but rather from the ecosystem in someway or another (even just the good feels from being able to give). I’ve stopped doing the first one, and like you said, trust that there’s seasons for both.
Also something I’ve told myself again and again during postpartum is that it is just as much of gift to allow others to give, than to do the giving. Because I know how good it feels to give when I have capacity.
I love this a lot. Tully reminds me often. He says "babe, it feels good for others to give also otherwise they wouldn't. Just like you love giving" hahaha damn ok
I read and re-read this one. As someone who is yet to birth babies, just businesses and creative endeavours, it highlights so much for me to consider when I one day step fully into the realm of motherhood. I love your words x
As I plan and prepare for my first postpartum season this coming spring (Northern Hemisphere), I'm so nourished by these words and this wisdom. Yes, I can receive. Yes, sometimes I can also give. Yes, I can still have awareness and limits. Yes, support comes in many forms. Yes, it is OK to accept what someone offers and it's also OK to be specific in my actual needs. Yes, I am allowed to rest in a season of receiving without guilt. Bless all the mothers.
Oh what an exciting time! Make sure to save this post to come back to- it’s easy to forget these things when you’re in the thick of the postpartum haze! I’m congratulating you all the way from Aus!
Hi Kat, this is brilliant! It resonated so deeply in my soul. Not only do I see this trend in my own life in motherhood but also in creativity. Almost as if I cannot accept 'the village' without having the same capacity / creativity to give. Also, your thoughts on connection through the hardships rings so very true. Sometimes it feels like talking about the beauty and magic of the great things about our children must be conditional, like we must share the hardships in order to share the good bits!
So important and thoughtful. Asking for help is difficult for many people--or even having someone close by to ask for that help. 🥲
I appreciate reading how acute it can be for Mothers. It brings a deep and painful memory of my own Mother. In her prime in her mid-30s and having been moved across the country and back a couple of times, losing friends and relatives in order to follow my Father’s growing career. My brothers and I had sports and school to get us through. Mom had nothing and no one, and found herself In a very insular community that was hard to make new friends in. She broke. It was awful for a few months and as her oldest son at 15 with an absent Father I had to carry much of that burden.
I’m so sorry for that experience with your mother and I can only imagine how challenging that would have been for her, and you also! Thank you for sharing
Thank you for all of this. It really resonated with me and the idea of “community mind” takes the pressure off of expecting others to give back personally as well as myself. It links into ideas of the gift and connection economy while evaluating the shifts in perspective and vulnerability those new ways of exchange require. Sending this to a friend. 💗
I have been saving this to read when I had space to digest as I knew it would be so juicy!
Oh wow... just so much that sums up a lot of my experience, second time round though I really have felt way more able to receive and on reading this I can see some of the places I have managed to unravel this difficulty to receive.
I genuinely adore giving to other Mothers, others in community in general, but in my current season I’m so maxed out in capacity holding my own babes, and myself, that I have often felt guilt that I’m not able to give more.
I love what you say about the maiden being there to step in and support... I have a couple of friends who have been this for me and I didn’t realise but wow... what a beautiful way of looking at it.
I did a short course with Beth Berry a year or so ago and it started to help me see all of this and it blew my mind, she talked also about the expectation on a partner to be alllll of the things that a whole community is supposed to offer and how that can cause so much harm in a relationship. She also brought my attention to the concept of ‘alloparenting’ and that actually our children are supposed to be with a variety of different people to learn different things... and that really struck me as with my first I always felt guilty if she wasn’t with me... which stopped me from receiving help when offered!
So much more I could speak to but thank you so much for writing this all in such a beautiful and reflective way!!! Xxx
Ah thank you for taking the time to read beautiful woman. Love what you say in alloparenting. I’m an advocate for the concept but haven’t heart that term before!
How fascinating is it when we feel maxed out in giving that we push away help. Love your reflections
This was beautiful for me to read. It served as a reflection back on a whole life of single-motherhood to my son. I NEVER asked anyone to babysit. I would have rather stayed home than "ask." However, I did let my mother and grandmother step in once in a while. And I DID do sleepover swaps with other single moms so that we'd all get a break.
You're right....we need the village but we so often refuse it in exchange for our pride.
This was so delicious to read & so powerful! I’m about to birth our first baby & went through a period of feeling as though I didn’t have ENOUGH mothers around me, yet I have a community of supportive maidens (& brothers) who have the energy to give & are eager to do so. We’ve spent time cultivating our village & yet the key factor in it is can we receive their love when they show up. There’s so many stories around what our village needs to be or how it shows up so many end up leaving our partners to hold the weight of the village on their own. Sitting into how supported our little family is & asking for the help if we need it. Thank you for your wisdom sister ❤️🔥
Thank you for this! My wife and I talk often about how to build community (aka The Village) yet, as you talk about, we DO so very insular things.
As I was reading I started things about “which season are we in now?” Do we have friends/family in a similar or different season?” It really got my heart working.
I’m excited to hear more of your reflection on your village.
This is sooooo good. Literally all my thoughts you’ve compiled in one. So much guilt for receiving when I feel like I’m not “giving”. Yet also simultaneously know my magic is reaching people as needed and it’s just a season. I love your words and also love this incredible thing you are doing for women!!!!!!! Love love love you kat xxxx
Right, the second we zoom out and realise that over 20 years there will be plenty of times to give and plenty to receive, it takes a whole lotta pressure off .Love to you mama xx
This was so wholesome to digest. I also feel it can be so hard to receive because we can be conditioned to be the givers, helpers etc etc... I guess you touch on that with the whole dept concept! For me leaning into a place to receive in my postpartum has been so healing. I fully resonate with giving and being a good human when your capacity allows just feels SO good full stop, kindness spreads kindness...., and trusting the process of the karma of reciprocity to support a community rich mindset. Thanks beautiful woman. Sending so many snuggles to you and your fam x
Absolutely, and that's a whole other layer to explore, the conditioning of girl to woman and what it means to be a good woman (Giving, selflessness, of service etc) and how that conditioning can cause so much inner corruption. Thank you for commenting and sharing your take x xx
Love this. Wow. Some thoughts on what resonated for me
- sublty expecting our partner to be the village - so glad we talked about this pattern before baby came, every time I notice I feel at capacity and projecting and thinking my partner should be "more", I'm reflecting on weather there's actually something I need from somewhere else.
- grandparents - we live very close to grandparents and it's been such a gift, and it's made me really get clear on our values for our son, what we need them to respect, and when we just relax into them doing it a bit more their way and trusting that it's a gift for our son to see how different adults can embody different things (when its nothing that goes against our values obviously).
- being a bit aware of conditional support, e.g an actual gift to a baby that is something we don't want or believe in haha
- love the thoughts on connection through the hardships and have read previous post you wrote about it. I'm in the process of starting a mother circle and I'm thinking a lot of how to create and environment where this is not the driver for connection. while of course, it still being valid to share your challenging experiences.
- also love, which you touched briefly on, practicing recieving early on - NOT when you're about to crash and truly can't survive without it. I've been playing with this a lot as a new mother, from the get go not going in to pushing myself or believing I only need to ask for help if I truly truly need it. I let my son play with his grandma almost every day while I just enjoy doing literally NOTHING, or meditating, chilling, not dealing with cleaning / laundry etc. Love it haha.
Love your reflections with this, thank you beautiful. And YES it's like, if we wait to ask for help, to when we literally NEED IT BADLY, but nobody can show up, it becomes traumatic. When we learn to ask when we simply are getting a little wobbly, it will prevent the big fall.
Loved all of this mama. So much to unpack but babies will be back any moment so I'll keep it short. Learning to sit in the receiving energy has been huge for me and didn't really happen til R's birth and I'm glad I did work through it because the past few weeks I needed it. It's so beautiful to receive in this way, with no expectations to give in return.
And in the same way I find it so beautifully fulfilling to give.
Sending love to you all xxx
I wholeheartedly enjoy looking after my cousins’ kids while I’m still flexible and have no kids on my own. Learning so much about myself by showing up for the mamas in my family.
This really got me: “I witnessed it be more vulnerable to share the joys of motherhood in a culture that expects you to struggle.”
On the flip side, I used to not be able to accept a thank you or little gift like chocolates, a candle or thank you card in return, not understanding the importance of my time helping. I’d brush it off saying it’s not a big deal.
So I rejected the village with this attitude as much as they did with their struggle of not being able to ask for help early enough.
❤️
I love that you've been able to reflect on this outside of parenthood. I know it's pretty universal many of these feelings, and not only subject to motherhood so I was hoping there would be some without kids who could resonate and enjoy.
I loved this so much. Resonating deeply in my bones.
I used to keep a tally in my head when it came to my turn to receive - “I’ve done xyz for them so I can receive this”, but when I gave there would be no expectation of receiving something back from them, but rather from the ecosystem in someway or another (even just the good feels from being able to give). I’ve stopped doing the first one, and like you said, trust that there’s seasons for both.
Thank you for sharing darling Kat xxx
Also something I’ve told myself again and again during postpartum is that it is just as much of gift to allow others to give, than to do the giving. Because I know how good it feels to give when I have capacity.
I love this a lot. Tully reminds me often. He says "babe, it feels good for others to give also otherwise they wouldn't. Just like you love giving" hahaha damn ok
I read and re-read this one. As someone who is yet to birth babies, just businesses and creative endeavours, it highlights so much for me to consider when I one day step fully into the realm of motherhood. I love your words x
Thank you for taking the time to read 🥰🥰
As I plan and prepare for my first postpartum season this coming spring (Northern Hemisphere), I'm so nourished by these words and this wisdom. Yes, I can receive. Yes, sometimes I can also give. Yes, I can still have awareness and limits. Yes, support comes in many forms. Yes, it is OK to accept what someone offers and it's also OK to be specific in my actual needs. Yes, I am allowed to rest in a season of receiving without guilt. Bless all the mothers.
Oh what an exciting time! Make sure to save this post to come back to- it’s easy to forget these things when you’re in the thick of the postpartum haze! I’m congratulating you all the way from Aus!
Brilliant idea!
Hi Kat, this is brilliant! It resonated so deeply in my soul. Not only do I see this trend in my own life in motherhood but also in creativity. Almost as if I cannot accept 'the village' without having the same capacity / creativity to give. Also, your thoughts on connection through the hardships rings so very true. Sometimes it feels like talking about the beauty and magic of the great things about our children must be conditional, like we must share the hardships in order to share the good bits!
Thank you for taking the time to come and read and enjoy!
So important and thoughtful. Asking for help is difficult for many people--or even having someone close by to ask for that help. 🥲
I appreciate reading how acute it can be for Mothers. It brings a deep and painful memory of my own Mother. In her prime in her mid-30s and having been moved across the country and back a couple of times, losing friends and relatives in order to follow my Father’s growing career. My brothers and I had sports and school to get us through. Mom had nothing and no one, and found herself In a very insular community that was hard to make new friends in. She broke. It was awful for a few months and as her oldest son at 15 with an absent Father I had to carry much of that burden.
I’m so sorry for that experience with your mother and I can only imagine how challenging that would have been for her, and you also! Thank you for sharing
Thank you for all of this. It really resonated with me and the idea of “community mind” takes the pressure off of expecting others to give back personally as well as myself. It links into ideas of the gift and connection economy while evaluating the shifts in perspective and vulnerability those new ways of exchange require. Sending this to a friend. 💗
Absolutely! Thank you for reading and sharing your take away too xxx
I have been saving this to read when I had space to digest as I knew it would be so juicy!
Oh wow... just so much that sums up a lot of my experience, second time round though I really have felt way more able to receive and on reading this I can see some of the places I have managed to unravel this difficulty to receive.
I genuinely adore giving to other Mothers, others in community in general, but in my current season I’m so maxed out in capacity holding my own babes, and myself, that I have often felt guilt that I’m not able to give more.
I love what you say about the maiden being there to step in and support... I have a couple of friends who have been this for me and I didn’t realise but wow... what a beautiful way of looking at it.
I did a short course with Beth Berry a year or so ago and it started to help me see all of this and it blew my mind, she talked also about the expectation on a partner to be alllll of the things that a whole community is supposed to offer and how that can cause so much harm in a relationship. She also brought my attention to the concept of ‘alloparenting’ and that actually our children are supposed to be with a variety of different people to learn different things... and that really struck me as with my first I always felt guilty if she wasn’t with me... which stopped me from receiving help when offered!
So much more I could speak to but thank you so much for writing this all in such a beautiful and reflective way!!! Xxx
Ah thank you for taking the time to read beautiful woman. Love what you say in alloparenting. I’m an advocate for the concept but haven’t heart that term before!
How fascinating is it when we feel maxed out in giving that we push away help. Love your reflections
This was beautiful for me to read. It served as a reflection back on a whole life of single-motherhood to my son. I NEVER asked anyone to babysit. I would have rather stayed home than "ask." However, I did let my mother and grandmother step in once in a while. And I DID do sleepover swaps with other single moms so that we'd all get a break.
You're right....we need the village but we so often refuse it in exchange for our pride.
Absolutely. It looks like you did the best at the time with what you were ready for! Sleep over swaps is a great idea x
A mom's gotta recoup her sanity however she can!
This was so delicious to read & so powerful! I’m about to birth our first baby & went through a period of feeling as though I didn’t have ENOUGH mothers around me, yet I have a community of supportive maidens (& brothers) who have the energy to give & are eager to do so. We’ve spent time cultivating our village & yet the key factor in it is can we receive their love when they show up. There’s so many stories around what our village needs to be or how it shows up so many end up leaving our partners to hold the weight of the village on their own. Sitting into how supported our little family is & asking for the help if we need it. Thank you for your wisdom sister ❤️🔥
Oh I’m so glad you enjoyed. Love your reflections here. And wish you all the best for this time ahead!
This spoke directly to my soul. Thank you.
Thank you for taking the time to read x
Thank you for this! My wife and I talk often about how to build community (aka The Village) yet, as you talk about, we DO so very insular things.
As I was reading I started things about “which season are we in now?” Do we have friends/family in a similar or different season?” It really got my heart working.
I’m excited to hear more of your reflection on your village.
Thank you for sharing your reflections here, I so appreciate that