An interesting perspective that I appreciate hearing about. However, your style is interfering with your ability to communicate your ideas. This could be much tighter and clearer.
Love this!! Beautifully articulated - we crave the village and then self sabotage when it’s offered. Love the suggestion that we’re in different seasons of our lives where sometimes we receive and other times we can give
Love this! I’m Harrison, an ex fine dining line cook. My stack "The Secret Ingredient" adapts hit restaurant recipes (mostly NYC and L.A.) for easy home cooking.
Dang, I really enjoyed reading this and I found myself getting really defensive. I feel really abandoned by my “village” and I’m trying to unpack how much of that was my fault. For sure family is problematic for me, but in terms of friends, I had a lot of people in my life excited about the baby and excited about helping when I was pregnant. And really none of them showed up postpartum and I’m not close to any of them anymore.
Wow I felt this in my bones! We love as an insular family disconnected from our extended families. It crushes me when I see grandparents with their grandchildren desperately wishing I had the same. Instead I have created my family by way of friends. I am still learning how to ask for and receive help though as often it is offered by another mum weighed down by her own juggles. This has been tested recently though as I’ve had no choice but to ask for help - it has pushed me out of my comfort zone for all the reasons you have so eloquently put. At the same time it is forging my bonds deeper with those I’m reaching out to. I hope one day they will come to me, not to repay the favour, but because they feel they can.
Sarah Wilson recently wrote a beautiful piece on the Greek concept of Philotimo. Giving to others not because we expect anything in return. Highly recommend a read.
This is such an interesting read and actually the my first read ever on Substack! I just posted my first ever blog (is that what it’s called) and I just talked about the “village” for Australian mothers.
I didn’t even think from your perspective that some mothers aren’t comfortable in receiving. I read a book recently that talks about feminine energy is to receive but it’s something we haven’t been conditioned to do, especially as we enter a more balanced society in terms of workforce participation. The only issue is that as we share more of the roles traditionally held by men, our roles as mothers don’t just disappear, do they.
I’m so glad I found your post. It’s helping me understand these ideas so much better.
Thank you for this & I relate soooo much especially when you talked about fearing that your child will create feedback loops with people who will shame him and not trusting that the world will teach him what he needs to learn. I am so protective of my ten week old and want no one else to watch him or care for him and I was sharing this with my mom and she had some wise words... she said that because I worked hard to cultivate presence and connection with my child, he will always know what that it is inside of him and return to it with me, even when other people overwhelm or shame him... and it made me realize I need to expand my capacity to receive and not just hold onto to the martyrdom of "I got this" bc I'm afraid to be indebted to someone else and receive their influence on how to parent. I wasn't ready to challenge myself to receive when he was firstborn due to a lot of birth trauma that made me way overprotective but I'm getting there now and slowly starting to see space in his life where letting a loving grandparent help once a week is feasible, for example. Thank you so much for this
So so so so so so so so great Kat. I have often felt that the success of friends is based on the emotional maturity and continued evolution of each one. When we pursue our own best and highest good, then we are better mom’s, wives and friends. If we don’t address our own downfalls then we are our own worst enemy. Thanks for diving into this topic. Fyi- I read this article and subscribed! I must have only been following your notes but I am happy that you shared this article on Notes because that’s where I saw it 🥰
I am happy to be a part of someone’s village but feel iffy about receiving, and I think that’s why I don’t have a village. When I help, and help repeatedly, it puts others in my debt whether I mean to or not. Decent people are not comfortable with receiving and never giving. It also can be read as a condescending form of showing off (which is NOT my meaning!). I never say yes to any help. And I think that’s off putting.
Thanks for restocking this article! I loved it. So many wise words. I had a lot of support during my postpartum of my second born. He’s now 5 months old and I have been thinking I need to do something to thank everyone that supported us, this made me rethink that idea. Just what I needed to read today!
An interesting perspective that I appreciate hearing about. However, your style is interfering with your ability to communicate your ideas. This could be much tighter and clearer.
If feels like you plucked this straight from my brain (and then added in a few little gems I hadn't ever thought about). Thank you ❤️
Love this!! Beautifully articulated - we crave the village and then self sabotage when it’s offered. Love the suggestion that we’re in different seasons of our lives where sometimes we receive and other times we can give
Love this! I’m Harrison, an ex fine dining line cook. My stack "The Secret Ingredient" adapts hit restaurant recipes (mostly NYC and L.A.) for easy home cooking.
check us out:
https://thesecretingredient.substack.com
Dang, I really enjoyed reading this and I found myself getting really defensive. I feel really abandoned by my “village” and I’m trying to unpack how much of that was my fault. For sure family is problematic for me, but in terms of friends, I had a lot of people in my life excited about the baby and excited about helping when I was pregnant. And really none of them showed up postpartum and I’m not close to any of them anymore.
Wow I felt this in my bones! We love as an insular family disconnected from our extended families. It crushes me when I see grandparents with their grandchildren desperately wishing I had the same. Instead I have created my family by way of friends. I am still learning how to ask for and receive help though as often it is offered by another mum weighed down by her own juggles. This has been tested recently though as I’ve had no choice but to ask for help - it has pushed me out of my comfort zone for all the reasons you have so eloquently put. At the same time it is forging my bonds deeper with those I’m reaching out to. I hope one day they will come to me, not to repay the favour, but because they feel they can.
Sarah Wilson recently wrote a beautiful piece on the Greek concept of Philotimo. Giving to others not because we expect anything in return. Highly recommend a read.
Thank you for writing and sharing.
Yes and yes, and I am struggling with this in Finland (the land of no small talk) but trying my best 🥹🙏🏻
This is such an interesting read and actually the my first read ever on Substack! I just posted my first ever blog (is that what it’s called) and I just talked about the “village” for Australian mothers.
I didn’t even think from your perspective that some mothers aren’t comfortable in receiving. I read a book recently that talks about feminine energy is to receive but it’s something we haven’t been conditioned to do, especially as we enter a more balanced society in terms of workforce participation. The only issue is that as we share more of the roles traditionally held by men, our roles as mothers don’t just disappear, do they.
I’m so glad I found your post. It’s helping me understand these ideas so much better.
Kat, I am trying to find the words for how much this has impacted me. I'll just say, thank you. Deeply. 🙏🌱
this popped up on my freed ("from the archives") and it's so beautiful I need to come back to this
Thank you for finding your way back here
Well stated, Kat. Thank you for this.
Thank you for this & I relate soooo much especially when you talked about fearing that your child will create feedback loops with people who will shame him and not trusting that the world will teach him what he needs to learn. I am so protective of my ten week old and want no one else to watch him or care for him and I was sharing this with my mom and she had some wise words... she said that because I worked hard to cultivate presence and connection with my child, he will always know what that it is inside of him and return to it with me, even when other people overwhelm or shame him... and it made me realize I need to expand my capacity to receive and not just hold onto to the martyrdom of "I got this" bc I'm afraid to be indebted to someone else and receive their influence on how to parent. I wasn't ready to challenge myself to receive when he was firstborn due to a lot of birth trauma that made me way overprotective but I'm getting there now and slowly starting to see space in his life where letting a loving grandparent help once a week is feasible, for example. Thank you so much for this
So so so so so so so so great Kat. I have often felt that the success of friends is based on the emotional maturity and continued evolution of each one. When we pursue our own best and highest good, then we are better mom’s, wives and friends. If we don’t address our own downfalls then we are our own worst enemy. Thanks for diving into this topic. Fyi- I read this article and subscribed! I must have only been following your notes but I am happy that you shared this article on Notes because that’s where I saw it 🥰
I am happy to be a part of someone’s village but feel iffy about receiving, and I think that’s why I don’t have a village. When I help, and help repeatedly, it puts others in my debt whether I mean to or not. Decent people are not comfortable with receiving and never giving. It also can be read as a condescending form of showing off (which is NOT my meaning!). I never say yes to any help. And I think that’s off putting.
Love your self reflection here!
SO SO GOOD!!!!!!
Thanks for restocking this article! I loved it. So many wise words. I had a lot of support during my postpartum of my second born. He’s now 5 months old and I have been thinking I need to do something to thank everyone that supported us, this made me rethink that idea. Just what I needed to read today!
So glad you enjoyed! Thanks for taking the time xx