We have been sleeping separately...

And my inner martyr hates it...

This is the third night this week Tully has slept in another room. 

It’s 9pm and we are about to head to bed and he states again, 

“I’m going to sleep in the spare room tonight”. 

I feel frustration surge in my body, 

Before my rational mind kicks in. 

“Good for you” I say sarcastically.

And he gave me a perplexed look. You know, the one eyebrow up… breath hold… waiting for me to elaborate.

“What do you mean by that babe?”

His response, now has me quickly facing off with what I actually did mean by that. 

In the moment, I meant - Good for you babe, go get a full nights deep uninterrupted rest. 

Enjoy the bed to yourself, and your comfortable body. 

I can’t wait to have my nipples feel as though they are going to drop off, 

and have to roll over every hour or so to make sure I have two empty sacks on my chest in the morning, not just one. 

Good for you, to take that for you

While I grind through another night, that now feels like second nature. 

And after the moment, I breathe into my body… I actually meant

Good for you, seriously… (kinda, sorta, but I still despise you a little bit for it.)

And though I KNOW that it makes sense one of us gets full sleep, 

And though I genuinely WANT you to get some good sleep,

Why does it feel so much nicer when you’re in the bed with us?

Why does it feel more manageable when we are all in it together?

Why is it feeling like you’re taking from me when you’re taking the space you need?

I moved through the wave of frustration quickly and then had relief because it meant Raf would have a whole side of the bed to himself, I’d get more space…

And Raf wouldn’t wake up every time Tully would roll over, and it meant Tul would wake up and take him when the sun streams through the window at 5am…

The interaction still had me thinking about the struggle mentality, and how I projected onto him that I’d rather we struggle together, instead of one of us struggle alone.

I can see subtle patterns playing out all over, 

The way I want Tully to skip his shower before he head out, 

Because I felt like I had to skip mine to get there on time…

Or how I think it’s wild that he needs to poop right as we are heading out the door… Where I’d rather wait. 

Or how I feel willing to just make a quick, less nourishing snack so I can get back to mothering, 

but he will take the time to cook a big lunch so he is fuelled for the day…

The pattern of me, martyring myself, and projecting onto him that he SHOULD do the same… 

because if he’s struggling too, then we both are together, therefore it feels less lonely. 

Right?

Isn’t that the whole deal?

If I martyr myself (encourage my own suffering, and then complain about it haha)

And if you martyr yourself 

Then at least we feel connected in the suffering.
We feel connected in the hardness of it all.

Connected in the tiredness, in the hunger for more, in the suffocation, in the buckling under the pressure of the perfect mother. 

And to feel connected is such a engrained and valid human need. We’ll do almost anything to get it. 

Isn’t that why we crave to see other mothers struggles. 

hashtag# real hashtag# authentic 

But really it’s so that we feel less alone?

So that we can admit that it’s not just ourselves that has succumb to the social conditioning and expectations of the mother martyr. 

That it’s not only me who’s shadow of self sacrifice is my undertone. 

That it got the best of all of us?

 Right? 

That if I can’t hold it together 247,

 it’s sure as shit less confronting if you can’t too. 

SO, when my beloved Tully is actually devoted to his thrive life, and actually makes it a priority… It can be triggering as fuck. 

I can project selfishness onto him, or lack of time management (could you please have pooped before we need to leave?)

But really, he’s just holding the mirror up for me and reflecting to me all the times I don’t state my needs. 

All the times I silently “take one for the team” and allow the ripples of resentment to bubble under us for the next however long. 

The times I sacrifice my shower for the good of all. 

The times I sacrifice a meal, a nap, or an hour to write… Clearly, for the good of all. Why, how noble of me. 

I often consider the belief system of “working hard” and the idea of “if I struggle now/ work hard now/ sacrifice now/ I’ll get the good stuff later”.

And how that’s so often engrained in us as children…. Obviously “preparing us” for “reality”/ “workforce”…. And how that relates to motherhood. 

I’ll sacrifice now. 

So I can be good. 

So I can be Nobel. 

So I can be bowed down to in my selfless pursuit for my families wellbeing at the expense of my own….

So that somehow

Somewhere

I’ll deserve good stuff. 

The unconscious need to prove our worthiness and our sacrificial self, 

So that we are considered a good mother/ partner/ woman. 

If I am good. Then I maybe deserve good. 

I’ve unpacked this many times for myself, but today I’m just sharing story time and some of the process because so much of this exists within us all. 

And though I thought I had gotten ontop of my conditioned patriarchal mother ways, the martyr I had tattoo’d on the base of my foot when I was born with a vagina….

The SECOND I became a mother, it’s like I unlocked the next level of super Mario cart.

All of these new layers appeared and there I was, standing at a mirror once again.

Most of the time now, I’m pretty comfortable to ask… actually, expect an hour to write. Expect a shower for myself, to poop in silence (Don’t worry Tully, I’ll do it an hour before we have to leave the house haha)

I ask for everything I want. Eagerly, happily and with confidence…But that doesn’t mean that it’s without a little niggle of guilt, or justification as to why I need it. 

And so that’s the shedding of the martyr. 

To ask, and know it’s safe to receive it. 

To ask and LET myself receive. 

To also know that Tully is more than capable of handling life & a toddler without me. Regularly. 

AND

It’s so important to create a culture within our networks, community, mothers groups etc

That creates feedback loops of thriving and celebration. 

And though I am in full support of vulnerable sharing and expressing what’s real for us moment to moment…

I also believe there’s a big energetic difference between complaining and celebrating …. Even though it can be about the same experience. 

For example -

A)  I go to mothers group, and complain about my no sleep, and how Tully gets a full night. 

Everyone nods, yes, well done you for sacrificing the needs. How dare Tully. My partner is the same. 

Most mothers can relate, we all have bags under our eyes. 

B) I go to mothers group and share *vulnerably* how I am expecting to struggle with Tully and feel resentment when he doesn’t join me. 

AND I’m also really happy that he sleeps at night because it means he will have Rafi first thing in the morning, I’ll get the sleep in I so need, 

AND Tully will have more energy throughout the day to have Rafi, 

so I can rest more If I need it. 

I also want to celebrate my choice in co-sleeping for 2.5 years so far, and breastfeeding even though it’s uncomfortable right now. 

And the ways I’ll support my vitality more is to cut down on the coffee and maintain regular meals. 

Same same, different energy. 

I often wonder, how we could create more powerful feedback loops with women in our communities if we held space for vulnerability (without all the justifications and story as to WHY we feel the way we feel, and just allow our feelings to just simply be there without self judgement, so that they move through our bodies with more ease) and then held an expectation for self celebration. 

I SEE you in this. I HEAR you in this. Your Feelings are VALID aaaaaandddd you are strong in your struggle BUT you are ALSO strong in your thriving. 

Here’s a thought. 

When you see another mother thrive, do you think about her strength and vulnerability that she requires to own her thriving? To honour her joy, and to self celebrate? 

To me, that often takes just as much courage and strength than the struggle does… or in the current culture of patriarchal motherhood… maybe more? 

To stand two feet in “This is what I’m doing so that I can cultivate a more enjoyable experience of my motherhood”, with confidence and self trust… 

to me, is incredibly vulnerable in a world where the main response would likely be “Who are you to feel this good, when the rest of us don’t. When the rest of us are martyring ourselves into the ground. 

Who are you to shine bright and ENJOY this!?”

And this to me is just another way, that the culture of motherhood has created heard immunity to thriving. 

So that the overall expectation as mothers is the unwashed mum bun for 2 weeks, the food stained clothes, the lack of time for yourself unless it’s your daily shower. #selflovetime. 

I’m not saying fake thrive where it LOOKS like everything is put together, but it’s falling apart behind the scenes, 

I’m not saying to perpetrate this idea that motherhood is perfect and curated lunchboxes, matching outfits and ease is what motherhood is made of, cause it’s not…

And I’m not saying there isn’t space for vulnerability, and the break down, and to cry and the need for support.

To be honest I think the whole system and the social constructs we exist in as mothers is pretty fucked up and needs a whole change of management hahaha but that’s a really big topic in itself and not for this journal entry. 

I often feel like the biggest fuck you to the patriarchal expectations of the mother,

If we are serious about reclaiming ourselves in this world, for us, for women and for our children to see…

 is to actually pursue our own ability to thrive. 

Honest thriving. 

And the journey there. 

The unpacking of ourselves and all the rules we’ve unconsciously agreed to play by in order to be accepted as a “good enough” mother. 

I feel like there’s a powerful shift in connecting to each others truth behind words.

 Seeing each other as powerful women who mother. 

Seeing each other as amazing and intelligent and creative and wise.

Connecting to and celebrating the journey into thriving within our own personal experiences, rather than only feeling connected through the martyr energy, and going around in a downward spiral into the abyss of struggle. 

I know for me, when I am truly seen for who I am, both within and also outside of my mothering experience, I feel like I have more space to know myself, learn myself and shine. 

I know when I’m only feeling seen within my struggles, then I rely on that to feel connected. 

If nobody has told you today. 

You deserve to feel connected REGARDLESS. 

You’re a good mother - NO MATTER WHAT. 

You are valued in your THRIVING 

AND you are valued in your VULNERABILITY.

It’s SAFE to enjoy yourself. It’s SAFE to choose yourself. It’s SAFE to ask for your needs to be met and it’s SAFE to receive the life you dream of. 

It’s more than ok to celebrate other mothers, truly SEE other mothers, and acknowledge other mothers. 

It’s safe to turn the sails towards a more supportive culture of mothering where we encourage an upwards spiral into self inquiry, support, compassion, understanding and encouragement, 

rather than a downward spiral int comparison, martyrdom, and true-self censorship. 

Would love to open more of this discussion below if you have things to share and say. Where does the Martyr energy show up for you? 

Anyway, thanks Tully for just owning yourself, so that I can show up better for myself too. 

Love ya 

Kat