Just catching up on these reads... and wow, so real for me right now. The bitterness I spat in my “Goodnight” as he sleepily, warmly wishes me sweet dreams before closing the door to *his* quiet and calm bedroom, me tucked between the two kids preparing for the unknown of what level of turbulence the night ahead will bring.
And what is it really? Because snuggled between my children is a dream incarnate from a younger version of myself. My husband, cranky and tired, is not a person I’d choose to cohabitate with on a daily basis.
Two things come to mind: Firstly, the energy. The concept of us all sleeping together, letting our guards down, our energetic fields mingling in a collective dream state... it feels like having this time to connect on a subconscious level takes off some pressure to connect in the day... some days which it feels nonexistent. Secondly, it’s not that I want his sleep to suffer along with mine, but rather I want to be witnessed in my sacrifice. I want him to *know* first hand how far my roll in motherhood extends, the neverendingness of it all. I want him to be awed by my tired smile the next morning, I want him to cherish my tenacity and my capacity as a woman, as a loving being even in the face of a mountain of challenges.
I want my martyrdom to be beheld in all its complexity.
But what I actually want, which your writing reminded be so beautifully of, is to give up the martyr narrative that has seeped into every bit of me. I remember the deep sadness that perpetually coursed through my body living in a home with a mother who never, ever prioritized herself or her needs. I remember being so aware of how badly I wanted that for her. All I wanted from her at times, was to care for herself, so I didn’t feel the crippling & impossible responsibility of somehow doing it for her. I never want that for my children. *Especially* now that I have a daughter. Because the pressure will exist everywhere, let it not live in the home.
I’m loving that you’re catching up now, and I really love this share. That third paragraph is the real deal and a stunning way of giving words to the sensation. To be seen in the sacrifice.
Thank you for taking the time to participate in the convo like this xxxx
Omg this is so on point! Exactly what Fergus and I's life has been like with co sleeping and breastfeeding. He's 10 months old and we've started sleep training him with a sleep consultant. And I already feel all the shame in the motherhood communities around that. Like I have to justify myself, make sure to explain that it's not the cry it out method, as I'm not a fan of this method at all but also I'm terrified of being judged as a heartless mother by using the words "sleep training" but also I couldn't fucking do it anymore. Him waking up 2-6 times a night, the sleep deprivation, having two kids to take care of during the day. Having no time for myself as I couldn't leave him for naps either. Ever. It was taking a toll on me. This post came at the perfect time, all the guilt we feel as mothers for asking for what we need or just going for it without permission anyway. I need time to myself to thrive! Of course I do. This was not sustainable for me and what would I be teaching my kids anyway? This whole sacrificing thing that we carry like a badge of honor. It's not healthy and thank you for showing me how deeply embedded it is in our society, honoring mothers that are literally disappearing, killing themselves slowly but surely by giving everything they have and more to their children, so they end up just a shell of a body. No, I refuse. This shit ends with me.
As soon as I read the "good for you" sarcastic response I immediately felt that shared experience in my body. The resentment that builds up because Im so god damn tired with two kids, breastfeeding through the night and working 2.5 days a week. The school runs, the organising, the loading us all into the car. Not a minute to breathe. I see how In that a mirror is being held up so starkly saying "ask for what you need" and I need a morning to myself. To invite stillness into my very busy life. A moment for me to breathe and let go of the need to do and think and mother and to just be. To really be. Ive been so busy in this phase that Im finding it increasingly challenging to stop when I do have a minute. You have written this so beautifully and has popped up at a perfect time as Ive been sinking deeper into the struggle. Its time to ask for what I need. What I truly need. More regularly! Big love to you Kat. Your writing is my solace and the moment. A space where I really feel seen in it all.
Awwww to be a young mother and be dramatic again, what a dream! This reminds me how working full-time with no choice and being ultra tired helped my old school writing at the time. I assume it will be interesting in 20 years for you to go back and see the difference in who you are, they are and the similarities. But for now, living in the moment is a gift in itself.
Kat, you inspired me to join this platform and of course I came to read your shares. I am in my 8 month of pregnancy with my first child and can relate to feeling similar emotions to what you have described. Becoming a mother has expanded me in beautiful ways but I notice the need to be seen by my partner with what I have ‘sacrificed’ already and energetically project resentment towards him - although he is just prioritising his needs while I push mine aside for ‘the team’. The truth lies within what you are sharing!! Thank you for such a potent message which encourages us to take a deeper look within the deep layers of mothers who have walked before us!
Thank you for your beautiful comment and reflections here! Appreciate you taking the time to read and sit with it. Not long now until baby is here! Wishing you all the best for this experience mama xxxx
Seventy one years old, thirty years from the birth of my last child, and mother of four. I still feel it. It is etched in my soul, as I know it will always be for you.
I see you and I am grateful to read your words.
As a yoga and meditation practitioners of 50 years and a lifetime journeyer into every means for deepening awareness, NOTHING compared to the years when the children were young!
The thorough devastation of all the ways I had so tried to edify my own ego. My inner grandiosity and self loathing continuum shattered into simple despair. Nothing to hold on to anymore.
Trial by true fire.
The gift, the deep acceptance of contented ordinariness. I wish it for you too.
You know the stories, because we have shared them.
We have always shared them. I love you all for it.
Stumbled upon this post from a while ago and LOVE IT! Read it while feeding little Soli and I actually said FUCK YEAH under my breath because it’s resonating so hard and got me feeling so inspired and good! Thanks wise woman xxxx
This arrives in total synchronicity as I was just *really no joke* contemplating my own self-sacrifice dynamic and how it plays off in my life. Also, yesterday, I was sharing with friends some reflections I was having about the importance of feeling more comfortable in the thriving, in the bright side, especially when we share it with others... Being capable of owning it with confidence and peace. I think I can't express myself "better" and deeper right now but I hope the feeling of what lies beyond this words arrives to you.
Thank you for sharing and its amazing and magical to experience the connectedness and community that we form, doing our best to embrace our shadows <3
I have been struggling with feeling like I’m not doing a good enough job in many areas of my life lately. But I know, I just need to ask and expect time for myself to thrive and then I can show up as the Mother, partner, daughter and friend that I want to be.
It’s very easy for me to get stuck in the “take one for the team” attitude as that’s what I have seen. But I want my daughters to know that isn’t what they should expect, so time for me to put it into practice!
Thank you for your words, they are very appreciated
Absolutely! I feel like we all do this work in some way as we grow as parents. Important for all and especially if you have daughters watching mama xx well done you
Beautifully articulated Kat. The Mother-Martyr wound is a challenging one that I also see so many women grappling with.
I had some huge unravelings during a recent breathwork ceremony that centered a lot on the birth trauma I experienced (and that of my mother line) and how that impacts my feelings of deservingness as a woman.
I love the invitation to show up as a thriving mother and feel seen and connected in that experience. It's great to see mothers lovingly making choices to honour and care for themselves, and to grow that as the dominant culture within motherhood everywhere. I think society has a long way to go in truly supporting the rite of passage into parenthood and that some big shifts need to happen collectively for this, but that being said it's wonderful to see the changes happening already woman by woman. This is how it starts!
Yes yes yes SO much work to be done on the rite of passage into motherhood, I imagine for our grandchildren the birthing of the self into parenthood will be ** fingers crossed** much more supported (and valued) .
Omg always need to explain myself. Justifying why i need something/especially setting a boundary! Adam always interjects and says “you don’t need to explain yourself”. I am getting good at not explaining myself but I usually do it in my head sometimes too!
Hi Kat, I’m just 5 weeks fresh into mumma hood and really enjoying your writing so thank you for sharing and allowing me to reflect my own journey in your words 🙏🏼❤️
Just catching up on these reads... and wow, so real for me right now. The bitterness I spat in my “Goodnight” as he sleepily, warmly wishes me sweet dreams before closing the door to *his* quiet and calm bedroom, me tucked between the two kids preparing for the unknown of what level of turbulence the night ahead will bring.
And what is it really? Because snuggled between my children is a dream incarnate from a younger version of myself. My husband, cranky and tired, is not a person I’d choose to cohabitate with on a daily basis.
Two things come to mind: Firstly, the energy. The concept of us all sleeping together, letting our guards down, our energetic fields mingling in a collective dream state... it feels like having this time to connect on a subconscious level takes off some pressure to connect in the day... some days which it feels nonexistent. Secondly, it’s not that I want his sleep to suffer along with mine, but rather I want to be witnessed in my sacrifice. I want him to *know* first hand how far my roll in motherhood extends, the neverendingness of it all. I want him to be awed by my tired smile the next morning, I want him to cherish my tenacity and my capacity as a woman, as a loving being even in the face of a mountain of challenges.
I want my martyrdom to be beheld in all its complexity.
But what I actually want, which your writing reminded be so beautifully of, is to give up the martyr narrative that has seeped into every bit of me. I remember the deep sadness that perpetually coursed through my body living in a home with a mother who never, ever prioritized herself or her needs. I remember being so aware of how badly I wanted that for her. All I wanted from her at times, was to care for herself, so I didn’t feel the crippling & impossible responsibility of somehow doing it for her. I never want that for my children. *Especially* now that I have a daughter. Because the pressure will exist everywhere, let it not live in the home.
I’m loving that you’re catching up now, and I really love this share. That third paragraph is the real deal and a stunning way of giving words to the sensation. To be seen in the sacrifice.
Thank you for taking the time to participate in the convo like this xxxx
Omg this is so on point! Exactly what Fergus and I's life has been like with co sleeping and breastfeeding. He's 10 months old and we've started sleep training him with a sleep consultant. And I already feel all the shame in the motherhood communities around that. Like I have to justify myself, make sure to explain that it's not the cry it out method, as I'm not a fan of this method at all but also I'm terrified of being judged as a heartless mother by using the words "sleep training" but also I couldn't fucking do it anymore. Him waking up 2-6 times a night, the sleep deprivation, having two kids to take care of during the day. Having no time for myself as I couldn't leave him for naps either. Ever. It was taking a toll on me. This post came at the perfect time, all the guilt we feel as mothers for asking for what we need or just going for it without permission anyway. I need time to myself to thrive! Of course I do. This was not sustainable for me and what would I be teaching my kids anyway? This whole sacrificing thing that we carry like a badge of honor. It's not healthy and thank you for showing me how deeply embedded it is in our society, honoring mothers that are literally disappearing, killing themselves slowly but surely by giving everything they have and more to their children, so they end up just a shell of a body. No, I refuse. This shit ends with me.
Well done to you, you need to find what works for your family. No two babies, or two family dynamics are the same.
If it means you’re able to thrive and show up for all three of your kids better and for yourself then that’s a huge important thing.
There’s so much to consider with decision making - which is why nobody is qualified to do it for you. Thanks for the conversation xxxx
As soon as I read the "good for you" sarcastic response I immediately felt that shared experience in my body. The resentment that builds up because Im so god damn tired with two kids, breastfeeding through the night and working 2.5 days a week. The school runs, the organising, the loading us all into the car. Not a minute to breathe. I see how In that a mirror is being held up so starkly saying "ask for what you need" and I need a morning to myself. To invite stillness into my very busy life. A moment for me to breathe and let go of the need to do and think and mother and to just be. To really be. Ive been so busy in this phase that Im finding it increasingly challenging to stop when I do have a minute. You have written this so beautifully and has popped up at a perfect time as Ive been sinking deeper into the struggle. Its time to ask for what I need. What I truly need. More regularly! Big love to you Kat. Your writing is my solace and the moment. A space where I really feel seen in it all.
Yes! So many of us walk this similar path, and then fear slowing down incase we can’t start up again! Even though we need it so badly huh xx
Awwww to be a young mother and be dramatic again, what a dream! This reminds me how working full-time with no choice and being ultra tired helped my old school writing at the time. I assume it will be interesting in 20 years for you to go back and see the difference in who you are, they are and the similarities. But for now, living in the moment is a gift in itself.
Kat, you inspired me to join this platform and of course I came to read your shares. I am in my 8 month of pregnancy with my first child and can relate to feeling similar emotions to what you have described. Becoming a mother has expanded me in beautiful ways but I notice the need to be seen by my partner with what I have ‘sacrificed’ already and energetically project resentment towards him - although he is just prioritising his needs while I push mine aside for ‘the team’. The truth lies within what you are sharing!! Thank you for such a potent message which encourages us to take a deeper look within the deep layers of mothers who have walked before us!
Thank you for your beautiful comment and reflections here! Appreciate you taking the time to read and sit with it. Not long now until baby is here! Wishing you all the best for this experience mama xxxx
Seventy one years old, thirty years from the birth of my last child, and mother of four. I still feel it. It is etched in my soul, as I know it will always be for you.
I see you and I am grateful to read your words.
As a yoga and meditation practitioners of 50 years and a lifetime journeyer into every means for deepening awareness, NOTHING compared to the years when the children were young!
The thorough devastation of all the ways I had so tried to edify my own ego. My inner grandiosity and self loathing continuum shattered into simple despair. Nothing to hold on to anymore.
Trial by true fire.
The gift, the deep acceptance of contented ordinariness. I wish it for you too.
You know the stories, because we have shared them.
We have always shared them. I love you all for it.
Thank you.
Hey Patty! So sorry I totally missed your comment here. Thank you for taking the time to share the stories within xx
Stumbled upon this post from a while ago and LOVE IT! Read it while feeding little Soli and I actually said FUCK YEAH under my breath because it’s resonating so hard and got me feeling so inspired and good! Thanks wise woman xxxx
So glad you enjoyed the read, and I love that you read it while BF Soli. Livin ya best life hehe xx
This arrives in total synchronicity as I was just *really no joke* contemplating my own self-sacrifice dynamic and how it plays off in my life. Also, yesterday, I was sharing with friends some reflections I was having about the importance of feeling more comfortable in the thriving, in the bright side, especially when we share it with others... Being capable of owning it with confidence and peace. I think I can't express myself "better" and deeper right now but I hope the feeling of what lies beyond this words arrives to you.
Thank you for sharing and its amazing and magical to experience the connectedness and community that we form, doing our best to embrace our shadows <3
Lots of love!! :)
I love the synchronicity, thanks for taking the time to read and also opening the conversation within your network too. 🥰
Absolutely brilliant. This medium suits you. I relate to the mother martyr, and you have helped me understand this part of myself.
Thank you, I’m enjoying the long form writing too, thanks for taking the time to read it
Thanks for your beautiful authenticity. It speaks to so many women with such complex , nuanced views of motherhood , but afraid to speak their truth.
Complex and nuanced 🙏🏼🙏🏼🙏🏼
Oh god this got my good ! Thank you the beautiful reminders I needed to continue choosing me xxx
Haha! Glad you could relate xxx
Felt like I was reading my own story !
Hahaha In some ways it’s all of ours
Just what I needed to read at the moment!
I have been struggling with feeling like I’m not doing a good enough job in many areas of my life lately. But I know, I just need to ask and expect time for myself to thrive and then I can show up as the Mother, partner, daughter and friend that I want to be.
It’s very easy for me to get stuck in the “take one for the team” attitude as that’s what I have seen. But I want my daughters to know that isn’t what they should expect, so time for me to put it into practice!
Thank you for your words, they are very appreciated
Absolutely! I feel like we all do this work in some way as we grow as parents. Important for all and especially if you have daughters watching mama xx well done you
Beautifully articulated Kat. The Mother-Martyr wound is a challenging one that I also see so many women grappling with.
I had some huge unravelings during a recent breathwork ceremony that centered a lot on the birth trauma I experienced (and that of my mother line) and how that impacts my feelings of deservingness as a woman.
I love the invitation to show up as a thriving mother and feel seen and connected in that experience. It's great to see mothers lovingly making choices to honour and care for themselves, and to grow that as the dominant culture within motherhood everywhere. I think society has a long way to go in truly supporting the rite of passage into parenthood and that some big shifts need to happen collectively for this, but that being said it's wonderful to see the changes happening already woman by woman. This is how it starts!
Yes yes yes SO much work to be done on the rite of passage into motherhood, I imagine for our grandchildren the birthing of the self into parenthood will be ** fingers crossed** much more supported (and valued) .
And hopefully they'll be living in amazing communities that support parents and families! 🤞
Omg always need to explain myself. Justifying why i need something/especially setting a boundary! Adam always interjects and says “you don’t need to explain yourself”. I am getting good at not explaining myself but I usually do it in my head sometimes too!
Yes the justification is a big one hey ❤️❤️❤️
Omg yes, totally relate. I'm excited to get better and better at this every day 👌🏼🥳
Hi Kat, I’m just 5 weeks fresh into mumma hood and really enjoying your writing so thank you for sharing and allowing me to reflect my own journey in your words 🙏🏼❤️
Thank you for reading beautiful xx